By far my favorite rush shirt on campus is one that reads “Characters Welcome.” Characters make the world an interesting place. They deserve to be recognized, even if they’re the kind we love to hate.

You may think that categorizing the tens of thousands of Aggies into five narrow categories is a bad thing. You may believe that boiling people down to two-dimensional stereotypes is a step backward for society. You may be of the opinion that labeling people breeds ignorance. Well, my miscreants, you may be right, but read on if you can stomach it.

First up are those hipsters. I hesitate to describe these folks because I don’t want to get them mixed up with indies or emos, but after asking around, my associates and I agreed that the word constitutes people who like tight pants, Delta of Venus and Vampire Weekend. They think that tea is the new coffee, and one of their utmost passions in life is the fixie bike. “I went to an American Apparel thrift sale once and it was like a hipster convention,” observed Butch Barry. Thick black-framed glasses that are not actually needed: check. Beanie that is not actually needed: check.

The screaming activist is another campus staple. I admire people who live for a cause, but some people crusade for causes just to crusade for causes. I don’t doubt that they believe in what they’re relentlessly hounding the administration/student government/other unfortunate souls for, but they tend to flirt with the term “mania.”

Decades of practice give them a definite edge and they will school your ass in an argument, whether it be over immigration laws or why you’re a consumeristic moron for holding a Starbucks cup. This being will continue tormenting ASUCD even after their term is over. It would be comforting to think that a peaceful serenity drifts over the campus on the dawn of their graduation, but it’s more likely that two new screaming activists will sprout up in their place.

Uptight RAs are the bane of many freshman existences. They take their jobs too seriously, believe that justice is being served when they write innocent residents up for having wheely chair races in the hallway and think that their Student Housing-given power makes them awesome.

Way back when, a bunch of us freshmen got written up by this RA who looked like Anthony Kiedis’ dealer. We told a string of inconsistent lies of how we all went to schools that weren’t Davis, and he couldn’t disprove us so he let us off the hook. I saw him on most of my DC visits for the rest of the year and he was in one of our discussion classes, but there was nothing he could do about it. It was pretty spiff.

Sometimes naïve young freshmen just want to party their socks off. Once in a while they transform into a frat rat, or someone who takes up a semi-residency at Frat House A. This is often but not always a girl; some frats have male groupies who just like to chill there. The frat rat usually realizes that she could be studying for the MCATs or something and retires by her junior year, but not before properly violating several of the brothers. A former frat rat and friend of mine notes that it’s all about getting in, getting out and getting on with your life before you and your crews earn a nickname.

Everyone knows a stoner genius. This person resides on a ratty old La-Z-Boy that reeks to high hell of weed. They have their friends alternate who’s going to deliver their Subway footlong for the day. Despite sitting on their ass most of the time, wearing the same shirt for days at a time, making it to class only for the midterm and final, their GPA is somehow double what yours is. If it wasn’t for the grass, this guy could be the next Steven Hawking.

Of course, this rundown doesn’t even come close to describing all the fine people of our fair university, but chances are you’ve met a couple of these.

If you have a test in two hours that you haven’t studied for and are looking for a way to further procrastinate opening your textbook so that you can cry later about how unfair the grading system is, take a look at “A brief summary of 99 percent of the people you will ever meet in college” group on Facebook. They’re far more descriptive, thorough and amusing than my schlock.

MICHELLE RICK thinks the runner-up rush shirt is “Party with Sluts.” She can be reached at marick@ucdavis.edu.

This past Saturday night – like every other Saturday night – I was in the library going over some of my favorite early medieval texts.

Shit, sorry. That wasn’t me. That was someone else, because I was at Aggie Liquor.

Two friends and I were having the age-old debate on which kind of 30-rack we should buy: Keystone or Natty. A couple next to us was in a similar predicament, so we formed a brain trust, if you will. Essentially, the argument was Keystone for a better taste or Natty for a great taste and not supporting an evil brewery.

As my crew and I got in line, the couple ended up right behind us. We got to talking and the guy asked me something:

Guy: “Do I know you? You look familiar.”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe.”

My friend: “You must recognize him as Aggie columnist Will Long!”

Guy: “Whoa, no fucking way! I’m the American Flag Pants guy!”

Now, let me refresh your memory if you haven’t been following me from the beginning.

A while back I had the idea of using my column to offer advice in abnormal and hilarious situations. One day a guy asked how he could get his pants back after they were stolen in Chico on Halloween night. I told him to stage an American-flag-pants-only party and nab the culprit when he showed up. I never heard how that plan worked out, but I assume the pants remain at large.

Regardless, the experience of being known for my column was pretty weird – and pretty awesome. Granted, the guy had played a part in my writings a few months ago, but I had never met him, never really talked to him except through these sheets of paper. It was the first time a stranger had recognized my name from a newspaper.

My first thought, of course, was that crowds were amassing to laud me with praise and throw lavish parties in my honor like the ones in the Bacardi commercials. Soon I would bathe in crisp $100 bills.

Then I remembered the hole in my right shoe, my wet sock and that I was in Aggie Liquor buying 30 really cheap beers and an even cheaper bottle of whiskey. My great American novel is still light years away from anything, but at least Hemingway wouldn’t disapprove of my habits. Actually, he’d probably tell me to stop being such a pussy and really hit the bottle. So would Poe, Joyce and the rest of the long list of famous artistic, alcoholic geniuses.

A lot of history points out some connection between drinking problems and good art (and insanity). This isn’t to say that one depends on the other, but they’re not mutually exclusive.

Speaking of that, I just finished a book written by a woman of Hemingway’s caliber, at least in terms of intoxication. It was Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher, a woman you’ll probably recognize as Princess Leia.

To quote a friend, she’s gnarly. Over her years, she dropped acid all the time, drank often, was particularly addicted to pain killers and word on the set of Star Wars was Harrison Ford had the dankest weed around.

Well, I don’t plan on ever checking into rehab, and I don’t expect to ever be called a literary genius, but you never know. Maybe I’ll just end up in rehab after a series of mediocre children’s books. I could write about a raccoon who sails around on a ship made of…cheese? Trash cans? Bones? Kids are into weird shit.

Whatever the outcome, it was wild to meet a stranger who knew me through my work in The Aggie. It wasn’t really surprising, however, that it happened during the purchase of booze. A final note to anyone who feels like tracking me down to check it off their bucket list: I won’t be in the library, and now I might be in disguise.

WILL LONG would like to thank American Flag Pants guy. He wonders how the Mad Dog 20/20 and Bud-Clamato combo worked out for him. If you ever want abnormal and hilarious advice, Will can be found at wclong@ucdavis.edu.

UC Davis lost student Richard Jung earlier this month in an unfortunate accident involving an allegedly drunk driver.

At the risk of sounding repetitious, drinking and driving is simply not acceptable.

The alleged drunk driver who caused the accident by rear ending Jung’s car said to a reporter from KGET what many students tell their friends while heading home from a party: I’ve only had a couple beers. I’ll be fine. However, this clearly was not the case.

DUI arrests in California have steadily increased since 1998 and in 2007 that number reached 203,866, according to the DMV. Californians are learning their lessons the hard way, yet still not changing their ways.

They are apparently not changing their mentalities either. A couple of beers could mean killing other drivers, as was the case with Jung, his mother and the other driver involved in the accident.

As if that wasn’t enough, the driver was charged with three separate counts of second-degree murder, nine other felony charges and a $3 million bail.

In Davis especially, it’s easy to avoid drunk driving. There are roughly nine taxi services, many of which offer student discounts. Tipsy Taxi charges a mere $2 on weekends for a ride anywhere in Davis. Unitrans, which is free for students, stops running around 11 p.m. Monday through Thursday. Students can easily take the bus downtown and get a ride elsewhere afterward.

Village Cab, for instance, asks $5 for the first mile driven and then $2.50 for every mile thereafter. Compared to taxi fare in other cities, getting a ride home from a party in Davis is practically free.

Even getting a ride outside of Davis is entirely manageable. Friendly Cab offers a flat rate of $42 for a ride to downtown Sacramento – split between friends, the cost is negligible. However, even if you get stuck paying for the cab, it still beats a potential $3 million bail.

Or for an even cheaper option, call a sober friend. Chances are, they wouldn’t mind preventing a possible DUI or BUI. Another solution is to walk. Davis is a small town and students live in concentrated areas anyway.

The age-old reprimand remains though. It’s fine to have a couple beers, but driving, even while a little bit tipsy is not worth the risk – or the money – in any way.

Fees are going up because state funding is going down. Whichever way the money is going, at least UC Davis students are headed in the right direction – the capitol.

The group Bike for a Future organized 250 cyclists on a 15-mile ride to Sacramento to create a dialogue with policy-makers. They made their voices heard and their presence recognized.

Not only did this event send a productive message, but it also was something unique to Davis culture. Biking down the causeway in the cold weather to Sacramento was a symbol of individual and collective power. It sets us apart from the other UC campuses. It was also an environmental statement.

Another effort by UC Davis students was also positive. Three bills that aim to support higher education funding, employees and students were posted outside of Mrak Hall this week, and students have been signing the legislation in support.

The bills are also posted at the same location where the protests were held in November. For those who did not want to be arrested or shout outrageous demands, showing support symbolically is a way for students to make their voices heard in a constructive manner.

Our campus is the closest UC to the state capitol, and the students are taking advantage of it. The best part of both of these events was their main goals – to inform students. This is a step in the right direction. Knowledgeable students are empowered students, and empowered students are those who make positive changes.

I’m impressed by the number of people in the media who think attacking UC student protesters will somehow solve the budget crisis.

Columnist Ruben Navarrette of The San Diego Union-Tribune wrote last week that UC students were “bratty” for organizing against the fee increases. I think there’s something in the Bill of Rights about the right to organize and protest, but I’ll let Navarrette Google that himself.

For students having a hard time paying tuition, Navarrette recommends “taking an after-school job, or taking time off, or taking out a loan or doing any number of other things that grown-ups have to do when they run up against adversity because things didn’t go according to plan.”

I don’t really have the space (or patience) to argue with Navarrette’s advice, but if you’re a college student who has ever had to come up with some of your tuition money by yourself – let alone all of it – you probably think he sounds ridiculous. Working is all well and good, and something that many of us do. But if public education is supposed to be affordable, then why is working full-time and going into debt – just to stay enrolled – the standard?

To me, a person who has worked full-time to afford classes and taken out a lot of loans on top of that, Navarrette’s implication that college is accessible to everyone is bullshit. I’m sure other UC students, or would-be students, who for reasons concerning finances, citizenship status and other circumstances, would agree.

Columnist George Will chimed in this week, too, by criticizing the administrative practices that led to the crisis. But Will doesn’t take on the administration and its failures. Instead, he criticizes the students, faculty and staff who have been protesting against the fee increases, layoffs and furloughs for their activism.

According to Will, the $10,000 a year we’re all paying is still 70 percent cheaper than tuition for Stanford and other private universities, and we should be goddamn grateful. After all, the privatization of education isn’t affecting all students – just the poorest among us.

Here’s my suggestion to Navarette, Will and others like them: Instead of offering empty and misinformed criticism, they would do better to suggest solutions rather than blame the victims.

AB 656, for example, would tax the heretofore-untaxed oil companies for public education funds. That could generate some major money. As another example, some people have been floating around the idea of having community colleges offer bachelor’s degrees. Those alternatives are better than making a bunch of blanket criticisms.

HALEY DAVIS thinks columnists are irritating, including herself. She can be reached at hrdavis@ucdavis.edu.