UC Davis officials trumpeted the news proudly the week before Picnic Day – “Safe Party Initiative cuts students‘ high-risk drinking,” read a story in the Sacramento Bee. “Report: Binge drinking declines,” read another in the Davis Enterprise.

If you had only read the headlines, you might have thought UC Davis students had given up hard drinking altogether, trading in those ubiquitous red Solo cups for bluebooks and #2 pencils.

UC Davis representatives quoted in the articles attributed a noticeable decline in binge drinking to the nearly $7 million Safe Party Initiative, a multi-year campaign designed to educate students on the dangers of high-risk drinking.

There is reason to doubt this claim, however.

The initial study, completed in 2003, surveyed 1,000 students. The final survey in 2007 surveyed only 450 students. While The California Aggie spoke with a statistics professor who confirmed that this difference in sample size is not enough to invalidate the results of the study, the sampling method leaves a lot to be desired. Responses to the survey were submitted on a voluntary basis. If there’s anything our required statistics courses have taught us here, it is that voluntary response surveys are not known to bring about accurate data.

Even granting that the numbers are accurate, though, there are more likely causes of the decline in drinking.

One fairly obvious one is a change in the undergraduate student body in the years the study measures. Statistics show that UC Davis has become much more selective in the past decade. Each year, more motivated students with higher and higher GPAs matriculate, and these students are presumably less likely to engage in high-risk drinking behaviors than their less studious predecessors.

None of this is to say the Safe Party Initiative was a bad thing. In fact, by informing students of their legal responsibilities and fostering positive relations between college students and Davis residents, the program contributed to the wellbeing of students and the community. Given the evidence, however, it seems presumptuous for the Safe Party coordinators to take credit for a shift in the campus culture that was more likely caused by a change in the kind of student UCD attracts.

A decline in high-risk drinking is good for everyone – let’s just be realistic about its cause.

The animal rights activist group Stop Animal Exploitation Now recently purchased airtime on several TV stations in California in order to make a strong point about the California National Primate Research Center. The commercial contends that the research center, which is affiliated with several UC campuses including UC Davis, allegedly perpetuates practices that needlessly torture the primates being used at the center.

The first thought one should have upon viewing this commercial is that animal rights activists airing commercials is a tremendous step forward from fire-bombing the houses of animal researchers. The FBI has previously arrested activist animal rights groups for offenses such as harassing researchers at their homes by trespassing on their personal property, calling them murderers and distributing fliers with the names, addresses and telephone numbers of the researchers.

By simply airing a commercial, SAEN (which has not been linked to any violent activism) has elevated animal rights activist groups as a whole and taken a step toward being taken more seriously.

The nature of the commercial, however, is highly disturbing. Several images of primates locked into various scientific devices are shown in an attempt to incite sympathy toward the primates and anger toward the research center. Nowhere in the commercial is it mentioned that the images are actually from research done at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

The commercial also implies that the research center is using the money it receives to torture the animals and violate federal regulations. In 28 unannounced government inspections in 2009, the research center has not had one single violation.

The views of SAEN and similar groups are valid and should be heard. It is important for animals to have their rights protected.

There’s no valid reason, however, that those views cannot be expressed or advanced without slanderous misdirection and manipulation.

Who doesn’t love constant assessment? Despite the endless fits of whining you’ll likely hear from your ill-prepared peers during the next few weeks of midterms, the answer is nobody. Everyone has their own way of showing it, but deep down inside we all share that desire to grade, or be graded by, someone other than ourselves.

I’d be willing to bet that at least some of the people reading this have spent countless hours clicking the refresh button on SmartSite’s grade book, hoping the page has somehow been updated in the last five minutes (honestly, who wouldn’t post exam results at 1:57 a.m.?). Others out there might get their fix through music, book or restaurant reviews, giving someone else’s opinion of what “good” means to them.

Our society’s fascination with assessment sometimes rises to the point of creating ridiculous and arbitrary milestones simply to provide the public with another opportunity to go thumbs up or down on a certain issue.

Perhaps the most applicable example of this assessment addiction will come tomorrow with the passing of President Obama’s 100th day in office. Media attention towards this apparent political “milestone” began buzzing back in January, within hours of Obama taking his oath of office, but the notion that it possesses any real significance remains dubious at best.

Before I set myself up to receive a barrage of angry e-mails from disgruntled, or perhaps just lonely and bored, history majors I should state that the 100 day milestone does have a small amount of historical value.

Any presidential history buff will tell you that the 100-day standard first got its start back in 1933, when FDR tore through the halls of Congress atop a white horse and began beating back the Great Depression with a deluge of legislation that was destined to redefine American government. Wait … that‘s how it happened, right?

While it’s true that FDR, along with other presidents such as LBJ and Reagan, had a rather active first 100 days in the White House, the truth is that the standard is an arbitrary and illegitimate creation of the media, put in place simply to give some poor sap a semi-interesting topic to cover in late-April.

Now, with Obama set to pass that all-important 100-day milestone the media is doing what it does best-jamming the airwaves and headlines with half-baked conjectures about the productivity of Washington’s new man.

Leading the charge in this week’s Obamarama was TIME magazine, which has, for the sixteenth time since last January, felt it necessary to put the president on the cover. The article itself hails Obama’s opening days as “stupendous,” and talks about a future that will leave an impact close to that of FDR’s. It has to make you wonder is anyone’s actually buying this stuff?

Honestly, does anyone really believe that the presidents first 100 days in office can actually provide an indication of how the next three years and nine months will go for the country?

Keep in mind that about eight years ago President Bush was enjoying a 62 percent approval rating at the end of his first 100 days, dwarfing the mere 55 percent that President Clinton possessed in April of 1993, and almost equaling Obama’s current numbers. At the same time there was talk of how Bush’s “vision for the presidency” would almost certainly take America to new heights. Eight years later the nation is wrapped up in two foreign wars and dealing with an economic meltdown while the White House staffers desperately flip through the dictionary, searching for the definition of the word “irony.“

Like it or not, the world we live in puts instant gratification at a premium, and this extends to our constant thirst for assessment. We want to know that things are going well at “this moment“, but ultimately “this moment” possesses a very small fraction of the time we spend here, or in this case the duration of Obama’s presidency. In my opinion, it’s best to let these arbitrary milestones pass by without getting too worked up, and get back to those chances for assessment that really matter … like those midterms you’ve been putting off.

JAMES NOONAN loves to be assessed. Do him a favor and grade him at jjnoonan@ucdavis.edu. You know he can’t sleep until he gets his fix!

Being an English major, I’m familiar with drafts: rough drafts, first drafts, final drafts. People are like that too – we all start out a complete mess but through things like school, parents and friends, we learn. Other people can grow through us too, and now everyone’s just a clusterf*ck of self-betterment.

But when it comes to dating people, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get to keep the final draft of a person, no matter how much work you put into it. In other words, the number one thing I hear people complain about their exes is how much of a better person they made them and now? Someone else gets to reap all the benefits.

Girls especially talk about how they taught their ex boyfriends how to dress, which I don’t doubt. Surely many of those heterosexual men who dress to the nines are all probably due to some well-intentioned ex-girlfriend out there.

I know there are a few exceptions; a couple of my guy friends (sans any female encouragement), really did just wake up one day and start to care about their wardrobe. But for the most part, the story goes like this: Guy wears t-shirts everyday, guy meets girl, girl buys boy a shitload of clothes and go shopping together, boy now knows the difference between Harris and Donegal tweed.

Now before you go on bashing girls who are never satisfied with their men, most of these girls I know didn’t have any intention of changing their guys at all. Truth is, these guys always wanted to dress well but didn’t know where to start. Then their girlfriends came along and worked with them to find a more sophisticated style that they both could find attractive and agreeable.

My friend Jenny and her boyfriend were like this. Then they broke up and now he’s out there playing James Bond with his Armani Suit and she’s stuck remembering the bad ol’ days when he thought wearing a rugby polo and basketball shorts were perfect for a dinner with her parents. Now 007’s most recent girlfriend gets to gush about how well dressed her new man is while Jenny gets an order of one failed relationship with a side of sad fries.

Girls leech a ton of knowledge from their ex-boyfriends too. My friend Keith had a girlfriend who “didn’t know shit about video games.” Since he didn’t like to exclude his girlfriend from what he viewed as a significant part of his life, he painstakingly introduced her to the Church of Playstation, to which he was a devout follower.

After they broke up, you’ll be sad to know that she’s kicking her new boyfriend’s butt in Puzzle Fighter™ (we’ll call this guy Akuma) and Akuma can’t get enough of it because he thinks his new gamer girlfriend is the coolest girl in the world. Now Keith is stuck spending his Saturday nights navigating his little Sackboy in worlds that his ex girlfriend and Akuma created together in Little Big Planet™ (but really Keith, you need to just avoid planets titled “I Heart Akuma” or “Keith Can Go Suck It”). And while Akuma is livin’ it up, Keith can’t help but remember how he also introduced this girl to playing guitar, got her into exercising and taught her how to give good, um, massages … with her mouth.

I’m not saying I’m some ultra hip girl, but do I want my future ex boyfriend (what a great outlook, I’m already thinking about the end of a relationship before I even start one) to be giving away all my interests to some girl I’ll be guaranteed to hate by default because she’ll be my ex’s new girl? A: Probably a hells to the no. I can just imagine it now – all the bands, rock concerts, stand up comedians and hilarious but short-lived canceled television shows that we will share together will be bestowed upon some unworthy broad. I mean, I wouldn’t want him back, but to share all that spice on a vanilla flavored girl? Damn. Sucks to my assmar indeed, Piggy.

If only there were a way that exes, who made you as cool as you are, can get some credit where it is due. Maybe there’s a Hallmark card that could read, “Hey there ex. I just wanted you to know that I’m a great guy now and I make my wife very happy. I want to thank you because if it weren’t for you and all my other ex-girlfriends, you guys’ cumulative disappointment in me, it would have never made me the great husband I am today. Also, thank you for your sense of style, music and humor because God knows I’d probably be a big dull douchebag if I didn’t pass that off as my own. Love, your ex.”

LYNN LA wants to know the ways you improved your ex. She understands how you wouldn’t want your ex back, so go ahead and rant. And don’t be afraid of sounding bitter because dude, it’s her. She knows. E-mail her at ldla@ucdavis.edu.

I‘ve got beef with you, Internet. Everyone seems to be mighty impressed by your whole “heralding in the Information Age“ bull, but I can see right through the shenanigans. The truth is, you fail. Internet, here are 10 things I hate about you:

#1 – World of WarCraft – This digital crack has claimed the social lives of over 10 million people worldwide. Many a frustrated girlfriend‘s self-esteem has been slain by their boyfriend‘s level 70 Paladin when they postpone sex to protect the beleaguered denizens of Azeroth against the Orcish Horde.

#2 – Online Dating Sites – This may be a great way to meet people if you‘re a middle-aged divorcee or a 40 year-old virgin, but for college-aged kids, online dating services like match.com and eHarmony are pretty much useless, that is, unless you‘re looking to be swept off your feet by Heinrich the 55-year-old Bavarian sex offender who lives above the Fast N Sleazy.

#3 – Viruses – These little guys can cause big problems if you accidentally open an infected e-mail or visit harmful sites. One can only wonder what the world has come to when we can no longer enjoy online Brazilian Flatulence Films without fear of contracting digital crabs.

#4 – Yahoo Answers – Don‘t let the name fool you because you won‘t find any answers here. Try calling Dr. Drew or Barrack Obama if you need help with your personal problems.

#5 – FML.com – This website wouldn‘t be that annoying if it weren‘t for all of the people who use the term FML inappropriately. Seriously, folks, FML should only be used to describe an unfortunate event of real consequence. Take the following example, for instance: After blacking out and sleeping with a $40 goblin hooker named Florence last night, I woke up alone to find my truck, wallet, a kidney and my Xbox missing… FML.

#6 – Online Banking – There‘s not really anything wrong with this. Well, except when it ruins your day by alerting your parents to the fact that you blew this month‘s food budget in one night at the bars (with 4 conspicuous charges of $5.15 at Vito‘s between 11 p.m. and midnight). In retrospect, Long Islands at last call may have been a bad call and now you can‘t stop burping pepperoni pizza and French toast (explained by the $29.99 charge to the Yuba City Denny‘s at 4:40 a.m.).

#7 – Bit Torrent – Nobody likes a pirate and nowadays copyright enforcement agencies are cracking down on illegal file-sharing and serving up lawsuits like PBRs on dollar pint night. Take a moment to think about whether it‘s worth the risk to illegally download NOW 34 or pirate obscure Kevin Costner movies.

#8 – iTunes – So, either you‘re a decent, law-abiding citizen or you got screwed over by the Digital Copyright Act by engaging in #7; thus, you want to download media files legally. iTunes is the way to go, except for the fact that it now charges $1.29 for some songs instead of the formerly standard $0.99 per song. Seriously, Apple?

#9 – Google Maps – This swell program provides terrorists, burglars and sexual predators the ultimate tool. Whereas it used to only give you simple driving directions, Google Maps now allows you to zoom to “Street View“ and actually see what the houses and buildings look like on the ground. I really want to know who the hell took the pictures of my family‘s Tahoe cabin? It was probably Heinrich.

#10 – Facebook – Supposedly this has made interpersonal communication easier. Well, if by easy you mean that one has to check their e-mail to see if they need to check their Facebook to see if they should be expecting a phone call later that evening.

Facebook complicates romantic relationships by making things really awkward. When you begin to date someone should you put “in a relationship“ or just remove “Single?” Is it anyone‘s business? No, but then again, some people just don‘t believe in pre-Facebook official sex. Once you break up, Facebook makes things even more fun, but I won‘t go there.

And don‘t even get me started about Facebook chat.

Thanks, Internet, for complicating our lives and forcing us to pay $42.95 or more a month to Comcast scalawags because as much as we hate you, we can‘t seem to live without you.

But Facebook still sucks, and so do you.

MIKE HOWER thinks there are only two good things about the Internet; the ability to order Domino‘s 5-5-5 deal online and e-mailing him at mahower@ucdavis.edu.