I‘ve got beef with you, Internet. Everyone seems to be mighty impressed by your whole “heralding in the Information Age“ bull, but I can see right through the shenanigans. The truth is, you fail. Internet, here are 10 things I hate about you:
#1 – World of WarCraft – This digital crack has claimed the social lives of over 10 million people worldwide. Many a frustrated girlfriend‘s self-esteem has been slain by their boyfriend‘s level 70 Paladin when they postpone sex to protect the beleaguered denizens of Azeroth against the Orcish Horde.
#2 – Online Dating Sites – This may be a great way to meet people if you‘re a middle-aged divorcee or a 40 year-old virgin, but for college-aged kids, online dating services like match.com and eHarmony are pretty much useless, that is, unless you‘re looking to be swept off your feet by Heinrich the 55-year-old Bavarian sex offender who lives above the Fast N Sleazy.
#3 – Viruses – These little guys can cause big problems if you accidentally open an infected e-mail or visit harmful sites. One can only wonder what the world has come to when we can no longer enjoy online Brazilian Flatulence Films without fear of contracting digital crabs.
#4 – Yahoo Answers – Don‘t let the name fool you because you won‘t find any answers here. Try calling Dr. Drew or Barrack Obama if you need help with your personal problems.
#5 – FML.com – This website wouldn‘t be that annoying if it weren‘t for all of the people who use the term FML inappropriately. Seriously, folks, FML should only be used to describe an unfortunate event of real consequence. Take the following example, for instance: After blacking out and sleeping with a $40 goblin hooker named Florence last night, I woke up alone to find my truck, wallet, a kidney and my Xbox missing… FML.
#6 – Online Banking – There‘s not really anything wrong with this. Well, except when it ruins your day by alerting your parents to the fact that you blew this month‘s food budget in one night at the bars (with 4 conspicuous charges of $5.15 at Vito‘s between 11 p.m. and midnight). In retrospect, Long Islands at last call may have been a bad call and now you can‘t stop burping pepperoni pizza and French toast (explained by the $29.99 charge to the Yuba City Denny‘s at 4:40 a.m.).
#7 – Bit Torrent – Nobody likes a pirate and nowadays copyright enforcement agencies are cracking down on illegal file-sharing and serving up lawsuits like PBRs on dollar pint night. Take a moment to think about whether it‘s worth the risk to illegally download NOW 34 or pirate obscure Kevin Costner movies.
#8 – iTunes – So, either you‘re a decent, law-abiding citizen or you got screwed over by the Digital Copyright Act by engaging in #7; thus, you want to download media files legally. iTunes is the way to go, except for the fact that it now charges $1.29 for some songs instead of the formerly standard $0.99 per song. Seriously, Apple?
#9 – Google Maps – This swell program provides terrorists, burglars and sexual predators the ultimate tool. Whereas it used to only give you simple driving directions, Google Maps now allows you to zoom to “Street View“ and actually see what the houses and buildings look like on the ground. I really want to know who the hell took the pictures of my family‘s Tahoe cabin? It was probably Heinrich.
#10 – Facebook – Supposedly this has made interpersonal communication easier. Well, if by easy you mean that one has to check their e-mail to see if they need to check their Facebook to see if they should be expecting a phone call later that evening.
Facebook complicates romantic relationships by making things really awkward. When you begin to date someone should you put “in a relationship“ or just remove “Single?” Is it anyone‘s business? No, but then again, some people just don‘t believe in pre-Facebook official sex. Once you break up, Facebook makes things even more fun, but I won‘t go there.
And don‘t even get me started about Facebook chat.
Thanks, Internet, for complicating our lives and forcing us to pay $42.95 or more a month to Comcast scalawags because as much as we hate you, we can‘t seem to live without you.
But Facebook still sucks, and so do you.
MIKE HOWER thinks there are only two good things about the Internet; the ability to order Domino‘s 5-5-5 deal online and e-mailing him at email@example.com.