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Friday, December 3, 2021

The Sterling Compass

Ive got beef with you, Internet. Everyone seems to be mighty impressed by your whole “heralding in the Information Age bull, but I can see right through the shenanigans. The truth is, you fail. Internet, here are 10 things I hate about you:

#1 World of WarCraft – This digital crack has claimed the social lives of over 10 million people worldwide. Many a frustrated girlfriends self-esteem has been slain by their boyfriends level 70 Paladin when they postpone sex to protect the beleaguered denizens of Azeroth against the Orcish Horde.

#2 – Online Dating Sites This may be a great way to meet people if youre a middle-aged divorcee or a 40 year-old virgin, but for college-aged kids, online dating services like match.com and eHarmony are pretty much useless, that is, unless youre looking to be swept off your feet by Heinrich the 55-year-old Bavarian sex offender who lives above the Fast N Sleazy.

#3 – Viruses – These little guys can cause big problems if you accidentally open an infected e-mail or visit harmful sites. One can only wonder what the world has come to when we can no longer enjoy online Brazilian Flatulence Films without fear of contracting digital crabs.

#4 – Yahoo Answers Dont let the name fool you because you wont find any answers here. Try calling Dr. Drew or Barrack Obama if you need help with your personal problems.

#5 – FML.com This website wouldnt be that annoying if it werent for all of the people who use the term FML inappropriately. Seriously, folks, FML should only be used to describe an unfortunate event of real consequence. Take the following example, for instance: After blacking out and sleeping with a $40 goblin hooker named Florence last night, I woke up alone to find my truck, wallet, a kidney and my Xbox missing FML.

#6 Online Banking Theres not really anything wrong with this. Well, except when it ruins your day by alerting your parents to the fact that you blew this months food budget in one night at the bars (with 4 conspicuous charges of $5.15 at Vitos between 11 p.m. and midnight). In retrospect, Long Islands at last call may have been a bad call and now you cant stop burping pepperoni pizza and French toast (explained by the $29.99 charge to the Yuba City Dennys at 4:40 a.m.).

#7 – Bit Torrent Nobody likes a pirate and nowadays copyright enforcement agencies are cracking down on illegal file-sharing and serving up lawsuits like PBRs on dollar pint night. Take a moment to think about whether its worth the risk to illegally download NOW 34 or pirate obscure Kevin Costner movies.

#8 iTunes So, either youre a decent, law-abiding citizen or you got screwed over by the Digital Copyright Act by engaging in #7; thus, you want to download media files legally. iTunes is the way to go, except for the fact that it now charges $1.29 for some songs instead of the formerly standard $0.99 per song. Seriously, Apple?

#9 – Google Maps This swell program provides terrorists, burglars and sexual predators the ultimate tool. Whereas it used to only give you simple driving directions, Google Maps now allows you to zoom to “Street View and actually see what the houses and buildings look like on the ground. I really want to know who the hell took the pictures of my familys Tahoe cabin? It was probably Heinrich.

#10 – Facebook Supposedly this has made interpersonal communication easier. Well, if by easy you mean that one has to check their e-mail to see if they need to check their Facebook to see if they should be expecting a phone call later that evening.

Facebook complicates romantic relationships by making things really awkward. When you begin to date someone should you put “in a relationship or just remove “Single?” Is it anyones business? No, but then again, some people just dont believe in pre-Facebook official sex. Once you break up, Facebook makes things even more fun, but I wont go there.

And dont even get me started about Facebook chat.

Thanks, Internet, for complicating our lives and forcing us to pay $42.95 or more a month to Comcast scalawags because as much as we hate you, we cant seem to live without you.

But Facebook still sucks, and so do you.

 

MIKE HOWER thinks there are only two good things about the Internet; the ability to order Dominos 5-5-5 deal online and e-mailing him at mahower@ucdavis.edu.

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