A detailed explanation of why this article is offensive on every possible level, and why you’re a horrible person if you aren’t deeply offended by it
If you haven’t already read this article, maybe you shouldn’t. Actually, you definitely shouldn’t. You probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.
In fact, I know you wouldn’t. You’re just too sensitive. Without me holding your hand, I don’t trust you to arrive at correct conclusions about the ideas in this problematic article on your own; at least not without expending inordinate amounts of energy toward critical thinking, which nobody should have to do.
I care passionately about protecting the emotional well-being of all my readers, not that I know any of you, if you even exist. Regardless of that, this is your last chance to stop reading if you don’t want to ruin your day, week, name, reputation and quite possibly your entire life. That was your final warning.
However, that was not a trigger warning, because none of the offensive statements made throughout this article include trigger warnings before them. Not even this one. See? Didn’t that bother you? Well, it should.
Additionally, this piece is not written in a way that you should be okay with. Even worse, I use language and terminology that should offend you, and if you aren’t culturally literate enough to understand why they are deeply offensive then f*ck you!
This article contains ideas that you may not want to expose yourself to. By reading this, one of three things could happen: it could offend you, it could change your opinions or worse, it could make them more nuanced.
I don’t actually know what any of your personal stances are on the vast array of issues discussed in this article, but I’m going to claim that I do. For this reason, I must inform you that this article crosses the line. I don’t know where you personally think the line is, I just know that in this article, I cross it. And which line is that? Any of them, all of them, it doesn’t even matter. It will offend you, and that should NOT happen, ever.
Maybe you aren’t offended yet. Maybe you even agree with some of what I’m saying. However, what would you think if I told you that other people who agree with these ideas are horrible people? You don’t want to be a horrible person, do you? Because if you agree with what I’m telling you to disagree with, then you are.
If you’re a good person with correct opinions about everything, like me, then hopefully you wouldn’t want to have any association whatsoever with horrible people. Being friends with horrible people is risky, because if horrible people influence you in any way, then you become a horrible person as well.
By encouraging you to not read what I have written, I am ensuring that your precious mind stays safe, guaranteeing that you remain sheltered within the intellectual equivalent of a padded room.
If your mind wandered outside and frolicked with any toxic, dirty and offensive ideas, please remember not to spread your intellectual germs. All employees must wash their hands before returning to work.
Written by: Benjamin Porter— bbporter@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
