Somebody get me a free tampon
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
I just started my Introduction to Critical Gender Studies class and I like to sit in the middle row. As the class filled in on the first day, very few sat next to me in the front row, and one caught my eye. He was exactly my type. Imagine my pupils being replaced with hearts because I love indie/alt men —- especially if they’re tall. I couldn’t tell if he was tall or not, so I wasn’t obsessed quite yet. Class began and I took very few notes since the professor was only discussing the syllabus. Syllabus lectures always bore me, so I zoned out a couple of times while the professor was rambling on about the readings and grades.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hand shoot into the air from the front row. My man. Even in the dim lighting of the lecture hall, I noticed he had silver rings on his fingers. Even better — chipped black nail polish on his fingernails. The professor paused in order to take his question. “I really think the male gaze had an impact on…”
I snapped out of my trance, confused about what exactly he was analyzing. I turned to the girl sitting on my right and whispered “Aren’t we still talking about the essay grading?”
She laughed quietly and I didn’t really get the joke but I turned back to the front and he was still talking. The professor was nodding and she might have been the only one listening to what he was saying. “Alright thank you for that analysis, I really appreciate the eagerness, but as I was saying about the midterm…”
You’ll never believe what happened next. He interrupted her. “Professor, I don’t think you understand.”
I glanced around the room and everyone either seemed annoyed or severely confused. He was openly gaslighting our professor. She has multiple PhDs and he has chipped nail polish and the audacity. I called time of death on my crush at that moment and waited for him to finish his monologue.
The professor managed to transition smoothly away from his comments and it was beautiful to witness how she handled that. Personally, I would’ve just told him to keep his pretty mouth shut.
The remainder of the lecture was spent introducing the topics we would discuss in class. I zoned out the rest of the lecture, and I think I somehow took a nap with my eyes open. I snapped out of it when I heard a booming voice say “TAMPONS SHOULD BE FREE!”
Real. They should be free. I could tell it was the indie boy who said it just by his voice and irrelevance. I figured this was just another one of his interruptions, but I looked down and I saw his shoulders shaking and lip quivering. He was crying.
Thankfully, class ended so this didn’t need to be addressed in lecture. As I was shuffling out of the lecture hall, I noticed that the indie boy was talking to a group of girls and showing off his bicep tattoos. Ew.
I took out my phone and dropped the class.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
