An interview with the devil
By AUDREY ZHANG – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
A hundred voices cried out in agony. Ash blackened the sky. Sulfur steam burned animals alive as they fled ground zero of the apocalypse, and with a roar the Demon King ripped the earth asunder right in the middle of a haunted house.
“Wow, they really went all out on the special effects this year,” a passerby remarked.
King ZZZaz has unfortunately been overlooked by modern historians, because people saw his name in ancient texts and just assumed the author was sleepy. He is, in actuality, a hardworking and detail-oriented King of Hell looking to make his resume stand out against all the other devilish deeds majors.
“Everyone’s collecting pitchforks and going into coding nowadays, so I wanted to do a project that showed I had initiative,” King ZZZaz said. “I figured a college campus full of students would be sympathetic about how hard it is to find a job, especially when you’re only seven feet tall. If I just asked really nicely with a sword, they’d probably just let me take over Davis and enslave them. You know, out of solidarity.”
In exchange for writing him a glowing reference in blood, he has agreed to explain exactly what went wrong with his hostile takeover.
“It started to go wrong when little children came up and demanded tribute from ‘me’ — it’s supposed to be the other way around,” King ZZZaz said. “I don’t know how they ever got their license to pillage and terrorize, because they were asking for candy of all things. When did a nice sacrificial lamb go out of style?”
“It got even worse when my general popped out of Hell in the middle of a costume contest,” KIng ZZZaz said. “Before he could even start threatening anybody, they declared him the obvious winner. It was for who had the ugliest costume. I’d never seen him look so defeated. I can’t even get him to stab people anymore, not even a little bit! He’s too busy trying to put on makeup, but his tears keep washing it off.”
When asked if he learned anything, King ZZZaz shared a statement.
“Let me tell you, this whole trip has been a disaster,” King ZZZaz said. “I don’t even want to make a report on it, not even for extra credit.”
Indeed, King ZZZaz has made the same mistake hundreds of demons have made before him. Every year, several Demon Kings attempt world domination, and every year, if they don’t accidentally kill each other, they pick the one day humans aren’t dressed like humans.
“One of my subordinates stabbed me. Me!” King ZZZaz said. “You’d think the crown of fire around my head would clue them in, but no, they just complimented my cosplay and asked how I got my blood to look purple.”
King ZZZaz shared his optimistic outlook on the unfortunate situation.
“It hasn’t been a total loss though,” King ZZZaz said. “The torture department has gotten so many new ideas about how to punish people back home. I would love to shake the hand of the person who came up with midterms.”
Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
