Chancellor Gary May needs to start using clickbait in his emails

If Logan Paul can get millions of views, so can Chancellor Gary May

When I first opened an email from Chancellor Gary May, I vowed to never open another one again. The vague subject lines, lack of emojis and blocks of text gave me a headache. Since then, I made my mom read and summarize all of his emails for me. But because I am moving out, I think May and I need to come to a compromise.

I have suggested that the emails be reformatted as a TikTok, where we see May dancing to the “Renegade” as text quickly flashes amid neon lights. I told May that this will be awesome for his brand––with great clout comes great merchandise possibilities. We could make May a UC Davis icon instead of Gunrock––an extremely confusing mascot. 

Who needs an electric-blue horse that stands like a human when you could have a Chancellor that does the “Renegade”? As great as it seems, May’s office has yet to respond to my hundreds of requests that he convert his emails into a more digestible format. 

It seems like there’s only one solution: May needs to start using clickbait in his emails, or else no one will read them. It’s an effective method, trust me. Using clickbait in my emails is how I get my professors, who have hundreds of students, to respond to me immediately. 

For example, if I have a question about an assignment, I title the subject line: “Cheating going on during class!” when in reality the only cheating that is occurring is me cheating on my diet during lecture.

It’s time to move away from subject lines that reflect the lines from motivational posters you see in high school classrooms––that is the least inspiring thing ever. 

Instead of “We Can Do This!” let’s take a lesson from the clickbait masters of YouTube. An improved subject line would be: “Can We Do This? COVID-19 is Beating Us, 0-1.”

Instead of “It Takes All of Us,” try: “It Takes All of Us, and that is why UC Davis will not Hesitate to Publicly Shame You if You Refuse to Wear a Mask.” 

Finally, instead of, “Slow and Steady,” try: “Slow and Steady? Or Fast and Furious? Click to Find Out the Rate Campus Reopens!” 

If there is one thing we can count on in these unprecedented times, it’s the effectiveness of clickbait.

Written By: Renee Wang –– reswang@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)