Justice Kavanaugh asked to sit out
Setting a landmark precedent for federal decorum, the Supreme Court of the U.S. (SCOTUS) voted on two measures last Sunday: One to hold a “Sunday Barbecue” day and another to divide the court into two teams for their next ruling, “just to make things interesting.” Both measures were approved unanimously by the court, making it the first unanimous decision since the Warren Court approved “Poker Night at the Kennedy’s,” in 1962.
Sources close to the court say that teams are speculated to be split Boys v. Girls, due to various ideological differences, the current gender make-up of the court and the giant “Boys v. Girls Sunday” sign seen hanging outside the Supreme Court since that morning.
As Chief Justice Roberts put it: “I think it’ll make this one interesting. It’s just been so stressful on the court these days. I think this will help us take our minds off of it.”
Reporters from major news outlets were eager to ask the Court why they decided to take a day off during such an important time. Roberts responded: “Oh no, we’re still doing the rulings. We’re just not taking it as seriously this time. Not letting it get to us, y’know?”
When asked why, and how this would affect their rulings in the current case before them, University v. Khomeidi––a case concerning gay rights, orphans, abortions and flag-burning, Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor heartily slapped one reporter on the back, and told him to “chill out, man. It’s BBQ Sunday.”
Justice Kavanaugh was asked to sit out of the Boys v. Girls team assignments for obvious reasons. “It would make it weird for everyone,” said a sheepish Justice Roberts. Sources say the other justices folded their arms and avoided eye contact for at least 45 seconds.
At this point, Associate Justice Clarence Thomas put an arm around Justice Kavanaugh and led him to the corner of the courtroom, saying: “Hey man, I’ve been there. Just wait 20 years. They forget all about it.” Kavanaugh spent the rest of the court session facing the corner, looking at the ground.
When it came time to decide University v. Khomeidi, there were no lack of surprises. Justices Roberts, Thomas, Gorsuch and Alito were the majority opinion for the defendant, citing that the “plaintiffs were being waaaaaay too harsh” and that the defendant needed to be “validated and listened to more.”
Justices Sotomayor, Kagan and the ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg formed the dissenting opinion that the defendant “got what was coming to him.” Immediately following this point in their opinion, these justices asked that loud snaps be written into the record immediately after that sentence.
Justice Breyer was the surprise swing vote at the last second today, insisting in his opinion that both sides should just “hug it out and make up. The world has too much hate in it, y’know?”
Upon conclusion of the court, Justice Thomas suggested that next week they may play “Cops and Robbers.” “Just to spice things up a little. This job gets stressful.”
Written By: Matthew Simons –– mrsimons@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
