Please contribute to their GoFundMe
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Lately, the economic and political state of the world has been bleak to say the least. Inflation is wreaking havoc across the nation, resulting in a higher cost of living and lower disposable incomes.
Of all social classes, the one hit the hardest has got to be the squirrel community here at UC Davis. I swear these little rats won’t leave me alone when I’m eating my breakfast. I want to eat my oatmeal in peace, sue me.
After this personal experience, I came to the conclusion that this must be a father trying to provide for his family. This made me sad, because I should have given him my oatmeal. Squirrel blood is on my hands. Since I made this tragic mistake, I decided to take accountability and share his story.
The following day, I returned to the same location, and I brought more oatmeal this time. I offered it over to the squirrel, and he hobbled over in his skinny body. After a ravishing meal, I had a delightful conversation with this squirrel father.
The squirrel father, George Knutt, has a wife, Cynthia Knutt, and three lovely children named Timmy, Charlotte and Peter. They used to live in a nice, rent-controlled tree in the Memorial Union Quad. This lovely location was filled with acorns to scavenge for and unsuspecting students to steal food from. Everything was going great for the family. Mr. Knutt would spend the day scavenging while his family would keep up the tree in his absence.
Then, things slowly became more difficult. It started when Mrs. Knutt began scavenging as well, turning them into a dual-income tree. This tore the patriarchal family dynamic apart. Mr. Knutt no longer felt like a high-value male squirrel. He numbed this pain by having relations with a nearby squirrel siren. When Mrs. Knutt found out, their family was left in shambles.
Meanwhile, a nearby industry of squirrels in the largest tree on the Memorial Union Quad were left unharmed. The leading squirrel, John D. Acornefeller, hoarded all of the local acorns and seeds in his large tree. Acornefeller, with his large labor force of lowly squirrels, collected all of the food sources nearby, leaving middle-class squirrels with nothing — middle-class squirrels such as the Knutt family.
To make matters worse, Acornefeller has strong political ties, which silence any potential competitors. This rising inflation is leaving the Knutt family in disrepair, and the Acornefeller corporation wants to keep it that way. I bet Acornefeller doesn’t even pay his taxes.
This blow-out discovery of mine is going to shock the masses. As a nation, we need to support and uphold the Knutt family. Please support their GoFundMe so that we can get them back on their paws.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
