I probably shouldn’t have overwhelmed myself with everything in the world, but I don’t regret it — after the air cleared, I can say I’m quite proud of myself
By EVELYN SANCHEZ — features@theaggie.org
Coming from the fresh, beautiful coast of Southern California to the dryness of the Sacramento valley, I entered UC Davis as a very badly dressed first-year. Knees knocking and hands jittery, I was naturally excited for the possibilities of meeting new people and compiling the best experiences of my life.
Despite initially enrolling as undecided, I knew my facilities were that of an English major. The next quarter, I officially declared it. The following year, I added a cinema and digital media major, and a year after that, I decided to double emphasize in both creative writing and literature, criticism and theory. And of course, I couldn’t forget my Chicana/o studies minor. If I had thought of it earlier, I would’ve double minored, too. My fourth and final year I took on an honors thesis project, continued marching band, joined three new organizations — including The California Aggie — and had the worst senior year of my life.
Overburdening myself didn’t stem from a righteous ambition. My initiative was masked by an unrelenting, consuming fear of inadequacy.
I was, and am, scared about the opportunities I have passed up, and those which are currently racing by me as I am occupied elsewhere. Every fourth-year is eventually faced with the daunting reality of post-graduation, and I allowed that fear to take hold of me. I frantically spread myself too thin, and the resulting burnout felt satisfying, because it felt productive. But it was far from enjoyable when I was caught in the middle of a rushed panic at 3 a.m. with assignments due and not yet started.
Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, that wasn’t a sound plan. The cumulation of the work I had committed myself to began to swirl together. It didn’t take long at all for everything to catch up to me. Notably, the idea that whatever I was doing was the bare minimum led to a minimization of my accomplishments. If I could do it, then it wasn’t hard. But if I couldn’t do it, then it was commendable when someone else did! I reached a brief epiphany: I had discovered a new symptom of imposter syndrome.
This symptom doesn’t allow me to believe anything I accomplish is worth celebrating. Deciding to take on a thesis project? Anyone can do that. Doing an internship? It’s required at this point. Working a part-time job as a full-time student? Everyone already does that! Showcasing my film at a film festival? Not worth inviting anyone. I always felt shame in presenting my hard work. Always negating, never celebrating. Not even the epiphany was satisfying. Taking on too much and disappointing not just those you promised, but yourself, became the greatest betrayal I’ve faced in my undergraduate career.
There never truly is a cure — only some salve to ease the disease.
If I couldn’t break the habit, then I was going to have fun with my responsibilities. I chose to focus my thesis on a childhood fascination with dystopian novels. I limited my participation in marching band to just the events I knew were worth it. A wonderful thing about the features desk was the ability to choose any topic I wanted, and I was able to discuss what was already on my mind and bring others into the conversation.
Thank you to The Aggie for forcing me into unknown and unfamiliar situations. Having to get three quotes for a features article has led me to places I wouldn’t go with a gun. I send my deepest apologies to my editor, Zoey, for always submitting my article at the last minute. I truly did enjoy writing for this wonderful publication, and I wish I had joined sooner.
I am incredibly grateful for those who let me read the nonsense of my essays, and my friends who looked away when I made a mistake and let me try again. From late nights sitting behind the circulation desk at Shields Library to jamming out with my snare drum buddies, Davis truly is a beautiful, lovely place that let me grow into an individual that my parents and I can be proud of. I am happy, proud, accomplished and excited to go forth.
Written by: Evelyn Sanchez — features@theaggie.org
