Not, like, for freshmen. Hunting for freshmen. Yeah.
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — email@example.com
It’s Thursday again, and in the Mee Room gathered around the conference table, squabbling, monologuing and occasionally throwing pens, is UC Davis’s student government. Like most nights, there are more coffee cups than people. And like every night, 90% of the student body has no idea they exist. Tonight, however, there’s a good reason for UCD to pay attention.
In a controversial new bill last week, Senator Malcom Mann proposed the school grant 20 to 30 permits to UCD students and staff that would allow holders to hunt and kill one freshman each.
Opponents of the bill have argued that permits are unfair to freshmen. To this, Mann said, “Freshmen, in exchange, will be allowed to forgo one final per quarter.” A poll by The California Aggie has shown that 68% of freshmen think this is a reasonable trade. Additional incentives may include a coupon for 20% off their first order from HelloFresh.
Surprisingly, the main controversy has been on the system used to hand out the permits. So far, the majority of the Senate has shown favor for a blind lottery, but tonight they’ve opened the floor to other proposals.
Obviously, discrimination on the basis of race, religion, sex, etc. is unacceptable. However, Senator John Chu suggested prioritizing those who want to hunt either computer science majors or his ex-boyfriend’s new boyfriend. This was a popular suggestion.
Senator Jean Paul Francis argued that upperclassmen should have priority, and that permits should target freshmen with life-insurance policies.
Finally, Senator Eddie Cullen proposed giving the permits exclusively to other freshmen. This way, they could keep the slaughter contained within the dorms and have Aggie Studios shoot a “‘Hunger Games’-esque reality show, so that people finally think we’re more interesting than UCI.” Cane’s has already offered to sponsor the show.
How has it come to this? How could a school that prides itself on diversity, equity and Turning Point speakers ever devolve into violence?
“Dr. Gross was running out of bodies,” Senator Mandy Lexus said. Gross was not available for comment, but sources suspect he may have been the heavily cloaked figure at the end of the Senate table who kept encouraging hunters to “keep the patella intact.”
Senator Arianna Chan said, “It was the only way we could think of to get people to buy AggieCash.” The permits can only be bought with UC Davis’s particular currency and will only be sold when the bike lanes get clogged.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)