100% guaranteed. You can sue UCD if these don’t come true.
By ANNABEL MARSHALL — email@example.com
Aries: Your utilities will be about the same as last quarter. Maybe a little more.
Capricorn: Childproofing your house isn’t just for expecting parents. It’s also for idiots who come home drunk and walk into the dinner table. Put some bubble wrap on those corners.
Scorpions: Stop stinging people.
Leos: Are any leos named Leo? That would be crazy. Ahaha.
Everyone I follow on Instagram: Don’t buy tickets to Italy just because everyone is going to Italy. We can’t all go to Italy. Who will stay to drive the buses?
Opinion Editor Owen Ruderman: Let me say f**k.
Aquarius: Try to be a little more upbeat these last few weeks. I know life can be difficult, but it’s not like your dog died. Except for one of you, your dog will die.
Statistics majors: Buy a lottery ticket.
My neighbors: If you don’t stop having loud conversations at two in the morning I’m going to write a strongly worded letter. Then, I’m going to attach it to a brick and throw it through your window. That’s not legally a threat because this is only a humor article.
Third-year human biology majors: Have you seen “Succession?” Me neither. I heard it’s good.
Ethel Cain fans: Uh oh! Not as unique as you thought you were, huh? It’s too late to “discover” an artist on the cover of multiple Spotify playlists.
Hardcore Christians: I thought you weren’t supposed to read these kinds of things.
Gary May: Listen into the woods at darkest night. The trees will speak to you, three words by the way of the great Earth power. Cover yourself in dirt and open your screaming mouth to the moon.
People who are allergic to bees: Freeze. Don’t move. Oh my — just be very still.
Lizas, Lisas and Elizas: Check your mail. Spoiler alert: it’s jury duty!
Pharmaceutical chemistry: Due to a typo in the University of California, Davis bylaws, your degree is technically a Bachelorette of Sciences.
People who braid ribbons into their hair: Can any of you give me a ride to boygenius?
Ellyn Paris: Hi Ellyn!
Written by: Annabel Marshall — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)