The sports teams may not participate
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — email@example.com
The 2023 Freshman Draft, the 37th edition of the University of California, Davis’ annual draft, was held on Oct. 1, 2023, at the U Center.
In accordance with the traditional rules, the least recognizable organization receives the best odds of receiving the first pick. A survey of 600 undergraduates showed that 80% had no idea UC Davis had a newspaper; The California Aggie received first pick. They chose the already-stoned Rob Anderson (Fremont High School), who did not hear his name called, busy writing poetry in the margins of a copy of “Catcher in the Rye.”
Both the UCD Marching Band and HackDavis team had their second-round picks revoked for violating UC Davis’ tampering rules. HackDavis treasurer, Bryce Gagnon, tried to rewrite the code that determines the order of picks, while the marching band was accused of “aggressive and coercive trumpeting.”
As usual, Greek life dominated the coverage. Alpha Koopa Lakitu welcomed their first-round pick, Ryan David (Sacred Heart), with a Gatorade shower that ended up fracturing his ankle. The sororities, on the other hand, played it cool. Psi Qi continued their bait-and-switch tradition by first offering their pick to Darla Huang (Independence) before retracting and picking her prettier friend, Janice Kim (Lincoln). Unlike in traditional drafts, Greek picks must pay $20,000 to their orgs on the announcement of their admission.
With no less than 17 Christian groups, Davis’ partial piety was loudly heard. Said new recruit Karla Joplin (DaVinci Charter), “I’m actually Jewish, but the whole youth pastor thing is kinda hot.”
In the biggest upset of the last decade of drafts, Jared Lego (Oakland Tech), a Delta Omega-3 legacy of four generations, went to the Davis Modern Dance Company. This is particularly surprising, given that Delta’s last Picnic Day celebration was such a success — over 20 distinct cases of alcohol poisoning.
“I feel free. I can’t live my father’s life any longer,” Lego said. The fraternity’s president was later seen attempting to light the MU grass on fire.
The Davis College Democrats and Davis College Republicans missed the draft to stage a cage fight in the ARC parking lot. The inadvertent winner was second-year Lily Poleski, who didn’t bother to check her mirrors before backing up into a spot.
The Transfer Draft was held on Oct. 3. Often called “the WNBA of the Davis Draft,” it was covered only by reporters who misread their calendars and wandered into the room.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)