Give your queerphobic family a chance this winter break, and be the bigger, gayer person if you can

By KOMOLIKA INDRANIL BASU — ibasu@ucdavis.edu

TW: Homophobia, queerphobia

As one of the very few students who actually lives with their family in Davis and is staying back here for the break while seeing the campus become a ghost town, I’m realizing that all my queer friends are facing their own versions of a “happy holiday” at their homes. In a country where four in 10 LGBTQIA+ adults are rejected by their family or friends for being queer, we have to deal with our generally queerphobic families and do some conflict work when we’re back home for the holidays. With my mother in Davis this holiday season, I can’t help but reminisce about how our relationship changed over the last break. 

I came out as gay to my mom around three years ago. I thought she’d take some time to understand, but being my mother and loving me unconditionally, she would eventually come to support me. My mother and grandmother have been huge influences on me, and I thought they’d be happy to see me become more like them while embracing my femininity. But I was wrong. 

My relationships with my mother, and even my grandmother, were greatly affected by my coming out. They wouldn’t allow me to do anything related to my queerness: I couldn’t own it, talk or write about it, do my makeup, paint my nails, dress androgynously, post pictures on Instagram or engage with queer content. I knew that these things were each a huge deal for them as part of a very binary, cis-heteronormative patriarchal society in India, so I tried to ease them into it, but it didn’t work.

 Last winter, I came to the realization that I am trans-feminine and largely reached the conclusion because of the questions my mother was asking me about my gender identity. When she was expecting me, my grandmother prayed that I would be born a son and was overjoyed when I was assigned male at birth, so I see why they feel let down by my trans identity and choice to live openly as a trans person (as much as I can within my circumstances). Maybe they feel that I am voluntarily giving up all the privilege I got by “being born a man” and instead “choosing” to live a much harder life. I had stopped speaking to them on and off in my freshman year as it was hard to talk to them while I was struggling with my identity myself. 

However, things changed this summer when I went back to Kolkata in India and stayed with my mother and grandmother for four months. I was made to cut my hair short, remove my nail polish and not go out much. These might seem like very small things when queer people are facing so much violence elsewhere, but they still mattered to me. 

I became bitter about their lack of acceptance, and I ended up moving every conversation toward the fact that they did not accept and support me as a queer child. We would have arguments about it because almost every aspect of me — the art I make and the cinema I study — stems from my queer identity and its oppression in some way. I thought that if my own parents don’t support me, how will I be confident in myself and how will the world ever accept me? And as I was suffocating in the lack of freedom of gender expression, I saw this spoken word poem by one of my favorite poets and people, Alok Vaid-Menon, called Trans/Generation, in which they speak of a similar experience but react very differently.

Vaid-Menon says, “Today my grandmother calls me the biggest disappointment in her life,” referring to their queerness and gender-non-conforming expression. “I recognize this not as a form of my own gender oppression, it is hers / You see, I come from a long legacy of women punished by men, who continue to push the man inside of me / How good it feels for the hurt to hurt someone else.” They go on to say, “I refuse to call my grandmother transphobic / I will not blame her for her own violence / Instead I will join her […] / And there is solidarity in this silence / And there is resistance / In our refusal to pretend we are both something we are not.” 

This made me think a lot about how my family, too, is only acting from a place of what they know and have experienced in the past. They cannot understand what I’m trying to ask of them, or even why I’m asking it. I know that they are worried about me facing the world as a queer person, as any discussion of or reference to queerness they had been exposed to was extremely negative. 

Bollywood movies or TV serials contain few gender-non-conforming characters who are often portrayed in stereotypical and problematic ways. Further, distant friends my family members had who were rumored to be queer ended up in bad domestic circumstances. A lot of their negative reaction to queerness comes from social conditioning and not having seen anyone express themselves like me before. If I am struggling so hard with my own identity because I am forced to face it and am scared of the world as a queer person, I can imagine how much they, who are not in my shoes, would struggle with coming to terms with my identity. 

This, coupled with some other TV and cinema I saw where queer children are bearing with and forgiving their parents for not being able to deal with their queerness, inspired me to take a deep breath and stop begging for their acceptance. The main offense they did was to not accept me or support me for my queerness, but I missed their silent acts of support in letting me do other things and all the other ways they loved me: the way my grandmother hid the best mangoes in the high kitchen shelf from the rest of the family this summer to save them for me, or argued with other relatives defending my other stupid actions, or the way they loved listening to me sing. I realized that I needed to accept myself first and give them some space. 

So I let go of their snide comments and only explained things once, ignoring them if they didn’t understand. Instead, I spent my time loving and letting myself be loved in whatever way we could love each other. I felt the rage I had experienced for so many months leave my body to be replaced by self-acceptance and fortitude. This approach helped my whole relationship with my mother and grandmother, as well as my own mental health, and made them look at the issue in a different light where I wasn’t projecting or pressurizing them to be there for me in a particular way.

Now, having moved to Davis and living with my mother, and regularly calling my grandmother, they have become more accepting as I keep making my own choices related to gender expression. Even though they question them and may not vocally support me, I can feel them slowly and silently standing with me, as they see me be more organically myself, and see my peers and faculty on campus at UC Davis supporting me. They see that I can be myself in a safe and accepting environment in ways that they had never seen before. I know that a lot of what they say, comment or ask of me isn’t fair or healthy for me, but I strive to find a balance and look at the brighter side. Their love for me might not be unconditional but it is still immense and they are my two favorite people in the world. 

I reached out to Angel Bernardino, the trans advocate and Student Services specialist at the UC Davis LGBTQIA Resource Center, and asked for some advice on how queer people can deal with our families when we’re back for the holidays. 

“Identify who your allies are,” Bernardino said. “Often, LGBTQIA+ people are outnumbered around their family, and allies can act as a buffer to some of that pressure. Don’t underestimate the importance of creating a chosen family. Not everyone has a supportive biological family and that is okay. A chosen family can provide a sense of belonging and security, and everyone deserves that. Most importantly, know when it is time to step out. No amount of familial approval is worth having to put up with verbal or physical abuse. While my experiences have only been verbal, queer hate can become violent. Having constructive conversations with people willing to listen is great. Knowing when to remove yourself from a harmful situation is even better.”

Although families may be ignorant, hurtful or hateful, remember that sometimes ignoring that part could help to maintain a relationship with a (hopefully mostly loving) family, and, sometimes, your grandma is not homophobic but just extremely conditioned and unknowingly continuing a tradition of queerphobia. Maybe give your family a chance this winter break, and be the bigger, gayer person. See if you can find your own solutions to dealing with your queerphobic family. That may be by ignoring parts of them while appreciating others, understanding where they’re coming from and letting them be unconditioned, or something more drastic based on your situation. No matter what, make sure to always prioritize your own safety and mental health, as Bernardino said, and navigate accordingly.

Happy Holidays to everyone (especially my queer friends)! If you need support dealing with any form of queerphobia, I’d recommend you to reach out to our campus LGBTQIA Resource Center or email Ms. Bernardino at aabernardino@ucdavis.edu. 

Written by: Komolika Indranil Basu — ibasu@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.

It’s important to recognize all the types of love in your life

By YASMEEN O’BRIEN — yjobrien@ucdavis.edu

I have always thought that the word “love” is not specific enough. There are too many kinds of love for there to be only one word for it. As a result of this language limitation, I have often struggled to express myself properly. For example, I am “in love” with my friends — I enjoy spending time with them, I am eager to learn more about them, I worry about them when they come home late and I want to grow old with them. However, I do not desire to have romantic relationships with them. The closest words to express how I feel are “in love,” but they have additional meaning that doesn’t apply. 

As a society, we put too much emphasis on romantic love. I believe we have developed something of an addiction to it. As a result, issues surrounding self-worth arise when we don’t have romantic love in our life. But romantic love is far from the only, or even most valuable, love we experience. We can learn something from the Greeks in this sense; they identified six kinds of love, along with a word for each of them.

1. Eros

Eros, named after the Greek god of fertility, represents the idea of sexual passion and desire. As I learned more about this facet of love, I thought it was interesting that the Greeks didn’t always think of it as something positive, as we might now. It was regarded as dangerous and fiery, an irrational form of love that could take hold of you and possess you. It involved a frightening loss of control. As I compared these views to the widespread cultural beliefs surrounding romantic love in the modern age, I noticed the paradox that many people hope to fall “madly” in love, which, by definition, involves losing control.

2. Philia

Philia, or deep friendship, was valued by the Greeks far more than eros. It meant showing loyalty to your friends, sharing your emotions with them, and making sacrifices for them. It was described as a deep comradely friendship akin to the bond that develops between brothers who fight side by side on the battlefield. There is also another kind of philia, sometimes called storge, that represents the love between parent and child. 

3. Ludus

Ludus, or playful love, is a playful affection between friends, children or casual lovers. It embodies the flirting and teasing that comes with the early stages of a relationship, as well as sitting around laughing and bantering with friends or going out dancing. I think this one is especially important because of its prevalence in many people’s lives. I enjoy how simple it is; it’s just having fun with others. Sharing laughter is a wonderful kind of love.

4. Agape

Agape, or love for everyone, is a selfless love. It’s the love extended to all people, ranging from family members to distant strangers, and is associated with some religious traditions. C.S. Lewis, a British writer and Anglican lay theologian, referred to agape as “gift love,” similar to the views of Theravāda Buddhism, where it is described as “universal loving kindness.” I think this type of love is crucial. With empathy levels in the U.S. declining drastically over the past 40 years, and with the most substantial fall occurring in the last decade, reviving our capacity to care for fellow human beings is an urgent matter. It can bring love to our lives, as well as enrich the love in others’ lives.

5. Pragma

Pragma, or longstanding love, is a mature, realistic love that is most commonly found in long-established relationships. It’s about making compromises in order to help the relationship work over time. It’s about showing patience and tolerance. I think of it as a slow and rewarding love. There was an interesting idea I came across in my research by the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, who said that we spend too much energy on “falling in love” and need to learn how to “stand in love.” It’s about making an effort to give love rather than just receive love, which I think is profoundly admirable and can be a difficult thing to do. 

6. Philautia

The last is philautia, or love of the self. I would argue this is the most important one. The Greeks recognized two types — the unhealthy version associated with narcissism, in which you become self-obsessed and focused on personal fortune, and a healthier version, which enhances your capacity to love in general. The main idea is that if you love and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to give to others. Not only does philautia enhance your relationships with others, it also enhances your relationship with yourself, which I believe is the most valuable one in your life.

Upon reflection, I’ve uncovered a few messages we can take away from the Greeks. It’s important to nurture all the varieties of love that are present in our lives and utilize the many sources of love we have. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. We shouldn’t create boundaries around what is most important because it restricts us from all the love we could be feeling. It’s valuable to recognize and appreciate all the varieties — it will probably help you discover that you have more love in your life than you think.

Written by: Yasmeen O’Brien — yjobrien@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.

Developments in how movies and visual media are consumed could mean the end of the industry as we know it

By GEETIKA MAHAJAN — giamahajan@ucdavis.edu

At Universal Studios, Hollywood, there is an attraction that allows park visitors to go “behind the scenes.” It’s essentially a tour of the soundstages and sets, interspersed with immersive experiences that recreate moments from films that the studio has produced. Visitors are chased out of a motel by Norman Bates and watch on as a shark emerges from the waters of Amity Island. These scenes — and the films that they are from — are iconic moments in cinematic history; for nearly 100 years, the American film industry has been a cultural landmark of epic proportions. However, this status may be diminishing. The increasingly profit-focused, machine-like production of movies in Hollywood and the rise of streaming services are contributing to the decline of the film industry as a whole.

When “Iron Man” came out in 2008, nobody could have predicted the domino effect that the movie would have on the film industry as a whole. Yet, nearly 10 years later, it’s increasingly obvious that the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has changed the way in which people view actors and the characters they play. Anthony Mackie, who stars in Marvel’s “The Falcon and The Winter Soldier,” commented on this phenomenon, explaining that, “[he] Anthony Mackie isn’t a movie star; the Falcon is a movie star.” 

While in the past, people would often watch films because their favorite actors starred in them, now, it’s common for people to go to movies simply because they love a certain character or franchise, regardless of the quality of the movie. Because of this, rather than creating new and innovative stories for actors to star in, studios may focus on producing as many films as possible starring characters that they know will draw crowds. 

On the surface, this may not seem like a bad thing; these characters mean a lot to people, so why shouldn’t they get longer, more in-depth storylines? The issue is that these films are not made with the characters in mind; they are primarily produced to draw large crowds to the box office. In fact, the characters themselves seem like almost an afterthought. Take “Black Widow,” released in 2021. The film came out after Scarlett Johansson’s character had already died in “Avengers: Endgame.” The film seems to abandon the original Black Widow storyline in favor of milking the character’s popularity for as long as there is a willing audience for them. Marvel’s method of churning out sequels and remakes has also infiltrated the rest of Hollywood. The Jurassic World Trilogy, for example, is a testament to the film industry’s ability to produce copy after copy of a movie that was originally successful.

However, it is not simply the rise of superhero movies and franchises that contribute to the decline of the industry. Streaming services have contributed to a focus on binge-ability, forgoing producing movies to focus on limited series. “The Queen’s Gambit” and “Squid Game,” two Netflix original TV shows, are examples of storylines that, a few decades ago, would probably have been written as movies. However, the series format is not without its perks — it offers more time for in-depth character development and for audiences to connect more deeply with the story. 

This format seems to be increasingly popular when it comes to book-to-screen adaptations. “Shadow and Bone,” a Netflix original series that came out in 2021, was wildly successful with both original fans of the novel and new viewers because of how much time the characters were given to develop.

Due to the proliferation of limited series and the rise of franchises, there has been a decrease in the originality of movies being released in the modern day. It seems to me that studios are powerful enough to have total control over what stories are written and developed. This results in a strategy that milks previously-successful plotlines rather than focusing on storytelling and originality — which are the two components that made films from the “Golden Age” of Hollywood so enjoyable. 

Written by: Geetika Mahajan — giamahajan@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.

How your ego can make you a better person 

By MICHELLE MENDOZA — mimendoza@ucdavis.edu

Ego is usually considered a negative thing to have. Often, having a big ego seems to mean that you are full of yourself and feel superior to others. When used in everyday speech, ego aligns with trying to satisfy the self and one’s desires, which is unlike its Freudian origins. In other words, it’s all about “me, me, me.” And most of the time, an excessive amount of ego seems unable to make up for the lack of other, better qualities. Ego has a bad rap; no one likes it and no one likes to be told they have it. 

Like many others, I never wanted people to think I was full of myself or that I had a big ego. To prevent this, I would practice self-reflection. I believe it is essential to take the time to evaluate our behavior and character. Through the process of self-reflection, we can learn about our motivations and how our actions impact the people around us. As a naturally emotional person, whenever I feel conflicted, I try to think objectively and rationally. I tend to analyze myself and question my choices. I try to be a good person, to be the best version of myself. 

Eventually, though, I began to realize that my introspection could often be unproductive. Sometimes I would spend hours thinking about the ways I could have taken a different approach to an essay, talked to someone I was interested in or put more effort into my work; I would think of all these ways I could have been better. I would say to myself, “Well you’re just not that great at ‘blank.’” At the time, I thought I was being rational. I thought I had to accept that I may not be good at everything. I thought that I was being honest with myself. 

This line of thinking led to days filled with anxiety and negative energy. The line between being self-aware and being self-critical can blur if you are not confident in your abilities or potential. As humans, we make mistakes; and sometimes the only way we learn is through making them. I still have to learn to let myself be authentically me, even if there are parts I don’t like.

I, and others like me, can benefit a lot from a stronger ego. Having a healthy ego allows us to be confident in our actions and to be secure enough in ourselves to learn from them. Self-reflection is essential to growth, but so are self-love and acceptance. 

Nurturing my ego is a work in progress and I like to think of it as a friend; it’s my own personal hype man, and its intentions are always in my best self-interest. I hope in the future, we will build a stronger bond. 

With final exams finished and the new year upon us, it’s easier now than ever to think about all the things we could have done differently. With a stronger ego, I hope everyone can be more secure in themselves and approach the new year with confidence. 

Written by: Michelle Mendoza — mimendoza@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.