Concepts of decency are culturally relative. That is not to say that the right concept of decency is relative, merely that existing ones are. Capitalist coercion of value distorts every concept relevant to our political lives. Many of my socialist allies erroneously rely on the tactic of challenging the most abstract values of the society.

What we should focus on is the immediate, concrete values of our society, such as our concept of common decency. Our abstract, foundational political values permeate our immediate values anyway, and we need to challenge them in the most direct, accessible way, not some ethereal, distant, overly academic way. We want to actually change people, not make them puke at our self-righteous intellectualism.

Some things we rightly regard as indecent — when someone slams a door in our face instead of holding it open for us, when someone demeans or degrades a public facility, when someone drives only a few feet behind us on the freeway, etc.

People regard the actions listed above with great contempt, as they should. Our culture’s concept of common decency designates people who do such things as repugnant, as idiots. Most importantly, calls for their denunciation are mutually recognized public knowledge.

So, to finally state my thesis: our concept of decency is failing to include many actions and cultural elements that we should consider indecent. If we were to actually be consistent (which we should), we would regard every action that exhibits such disregard for the common good as grounds for denunciation.

Let us apply our reasoning universally and see what results we get. We condemn tailgating and destroyers of public property because they undermine our values. So, we should be applying that same standard to everything.

The central destroyer of our values and central cause of suffering in our society is the institutional framework that imposes power over all of us, representing the interests of only the institutions themselves. “The system” that runs our society, that decides who gets what and how, is responsible for extreme misery.

So we should regard as paramount cases of indecency those actions and attitudes that uphold the system. That should certainly be the central focus of our concept of indecency. Small indecencies, such as the three examples listed earlier, are tiny infractions compared to lifestyles of submission to power.

What are some real, concrete examples of such indecency? This is the really fun part. We can only make loose accusations here, for lack of the massive research required to pin down a set of cultural memes. But some things are just plain obvious.

Wearing the clothing advertised by the largest firms, listening to the music that permeates mass media — this is a form of adopting the ideology of elite institutions. They craft the message, and some dupes buy it. It’s easy to buy their message, too. It is extremely pervasive in our media, and it has a brilliant message built into it — this is what everyone likes, so it must be good (even when it’s new and no one likes it yet).

The people who adopt these ways of life become embodiments of submission to these unjust and evil institutions. We do not regard them as violating our minimum for common decency. We should. They are the paramount cases for indecent lifestyles.

The fact that they have been duped so hard is not only grounds for contempt because it is so dumb, but because the consequences are so awful — the perpetuation of anti-democratic, anti-human institutions.

On the other hand, just because someone is not partaking in the most obvious cultural elements, we cannot conclude that they are not themselves living lives in submission to the elite. That is to say, hipsters are not off the hook. They are just buying into alternate versions of imposed ideology. That’s why they’re called “hipsters” and are worthy of such great contempt; their rebellion is fake.

The dupes, the suckers who own all the right products and use all the pop culture slogans, they are the ones who we should regard as contemptuous idiots, worthy of public shaming. Their lack of critical analysis and frantic desire to fit in to what they are told is the right way of life is the primary reason that we don’t live in an amazing utopia of only happiness.

In my final column here, in my final quarter, I would like to thank everyone insofar as they were critical. I would also like to raise two middle fingers to the shockingly passive and uncritical people who will continue to buy into “the hype” and play into systems of power despite four years at a university. What an epic waste of money your education was.

BRIAN MOEN can be reached at bkmoen@ucdavis.edu. xxx

One of my fellow editors at The California Aggie told me something dark and wise when I started the editor in chief gig: “Nothing will make you lose faith in humanity more than trying to run a college newspaper.” Many times this year, in between missed deadlines, editors quitting, financial disasters, an unsubstantiated lawsuit and generally unreasonably angry people, I thought she was right.

Another one of my fellow editors at The California Aggie got me popsicle molds for my birthday — a sweet reminder that most days can be improved with ice cream.

One of my favorite classes at UC Davis was a graduate seminar-style discussion of technology’s effects on the human body. By the end, I was convinced that I was infertile and that most of the world was corrupt and terrible. I was also a freshman surrounded by seniors and too scared to talk.

Another one of my favorite classes was journalism, for obvious reasons. And the animal science class where you learn how to butcher, also for obvious reasons.

One of the most memorable parts of dorm life was having a neighbor who regularly hung a dirty gym sock from his doorknob. It felt so stereotypically college. One time I accidentally interrupted him with a lady-friend in the laundry room. “Why are they doing laundry this late at night?” I naively thought at first. Then I giggled myself to sleep.

One of the most annoying parts of dorm life was feeling outcasted for not partaking in the Greek system. Instead, I joined protests, hung picket signs in my room and blasted Radiohead with the door open because I knew it made my floormates wince.

One of the raddest things about living in Davis is the bike culture. Now I never want to own a car.

One of the most tragic things about bike culture — and not wearing a helmet — is bike accidents. My bike chain derailed after a grocery trip, leaving me sprawled out on the asphalt with my skirt up. I cracked my head open, along with a half dozen eggs. Then I had to clean egg yolk and tofu juice off my textbooks.

One of the best decisions I ever made at UC Davis was to leave UC Davis for a year. Studying abroad can be just as stereotypically life-changing as people say it is.

Another one of the best decisions I ever made at UC Davis was to apply to work at The California Aggie, for obvious reasons.

One of the most shocking emails I’ve ever received was an internship offer from The San Francisco Chronicle. The opportunity to write for their award-winning Food & Wine section had been a dream, and I didn’t even apply for it. I felt special.

One of the most shocking letters I’ve ever received was during said internship, from a reader who accused me of working for the dairy industry and lying to the American public about cheese. It’s hanging in my apartment.

One of the most upsetting weeks of my UC Davis career contained a series of rejection emails from internships I actually did apply for. I felt average. I sent my family text messages that merely read “unemployable.” I wanted to burn my newspaper clips, resumes, cover letters and references. But they were all digital.

Another paper hanging in my apartment is a screenshot of a Facebook thread, wherein “activists” called me a “zionist … piece of shit.” They were angry over our coverage of a brief Dutton Hall occupation, but more so, that our Opinion pages contained “bullshit arguments for free speech.” This did not shock me, as earlier that week I got verbally accosted at a downtown cafe. Some people don’t deserve free speech, they said. I attempted to eat my scrambled eggs at a normal pace.

One of my friends recently accompanied me for a trek to my parents’ house. She went straight for my high school yearbook and read the quote beneath my senior portrait: “Throw down your shame or be a slave to the system.” It’s from a Jeff Buckley song that I had temporarily forgotten about. I had also temporarily forgotten about my bi-monthly column in my high school newspaper, which resulted in the principal pulling me out of chemistry class. He was concerned with how “disenfranchised” I seemed with my education.

Some things never change, huh?

JANELLE BITKER will have her next byline at The Sacramento Bee, barring catastrophe. Stay in touch by email at jlbitker@gmail.com or in the Twitterverse at @janellebitker.

In my time as the Business Manager for The California Aggie, I was mostly known for being obsessed with not having false alarms in The Aggie offices. This goodbye column is my only editorial contribution I will have made to The Aggie, and I could wax lyrical about how the business health of The Aggie will be brighter and that the structural changes we have made will ensure a long, continued life for the paper for years to come.

Fuck that.

I want to bitch about what’s really steamed my chestnuts on campus for the time I’ve been here.

First: bikers, get off the damn sidewalk. I give you every opportunity to throw your healthy asses under my car every time I drive in Davis; so let me walk in peace. And while we’re at it — please remember the rules of the road apply to you. If you tangle with my car, I assure you it will win. And if you hit me when I’m walking, I will sue.

Second: don’t bag on The Aggie. Yeah, it’s not always Pulitzer Prize-worthy, but it’s a wholly student-run, formerly daily newspaper. Remember how stressed you are when you have two three-page papers due in a week? Well, we had the equivalent of that every day for a year. I’m damn proud of the kids, as I know how much they are paid (the ones that are paid at all, that is) and frankly, they can’t tip if they go out for beers on our meager stipends.

Third: show some love. Around campus if I get a grunt when I hold open a door for anyone under 30, I’m touched by the level of human gratitude I’ve experienced. “Please” and “thank you” will take you far in life, and that starts with the little things. If someone hands you anything — even a piece of dog shit — the appropriate response is “Thank you!” said in a hearty and heartfelt manner. And, if someone thanks you, we always respond with a warm “You’re welcome.” Being courteous will get you far in life and will occasionally get you the employee discount from your favorite stranger in your favorite retail establishment. Or a flavor pump at Starbucks. Or heck — you might even be nice to your future spouse, so start being courteous now.

And finally, please, for the love of God, UC Davis, stop nickel-and-diming the students. There’s a tiny charge for this, a parking permit payment for that, a usage fee this. We’re already paying $15,000 in fees as residents. What say you stop with the fabulous events like the climbing wall and adult bouncy castles bullshit over by Segundo last week, and maybe drop the Chancellor’s salary by half. I’m not saying start giving us all lattes in classes before noon, but let’s take half that woman’s over-the-top 1-percent salary and make a scholarship fund. Or perhaps use the money to automatically enroll each graduating class in the alumni association. God knows after $30,000 to $60,000 in student fees in two to four years we’ve more than paid our dues.

OK, rant over. To my fabulous staff and co-workers at The Aggie, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the sense of community and belonging I’ve had here at UC Davis. I’ve partied like a rock star, had a few tears and read some amazing things here at The Aggie. Without The Aggie I’d have been another one of those re-entry students that seem to be wandering the Quad aimlessly as if part of an oncoming zombie apocalypse. You guys gave me a crypt to be keeper of, and I’ll both never forget or forgive you for that.

Janelle, it’s your turn to buy beers.

JONATHAN WESTER can be reached at jonathan.wester@gmail.com and hopefully will be doing a MA in history at CalPoly SLO where you can reach him this autumn at jwester@calpoly.edu. Either way, don’t contact him about bike issues. He will hunt you down.

OK, so we’re all here because of this newspaper, right? Well, I do know who’s been writing for it, and I think the entire readership (all 20 of you) have got to stop calling us hippies and freaks. It just makes it OK for the entire campus to call us hippies and freaks.

I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we’d all be happy …

Well, half of the people reading this column are mad at me. And the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front of a bus.

So that’s not good.

Some might say that it’s not really required of me to write this column. I’m almost done, I swear. I just have a lot of feelings, I guess.

To all the people whose feelings got hurt by my weekly arts columns/Burn Book entries, I’m really sorry. You know, I had never been on a newspaper staff before college. And when I think about how many people want to be an editor and how many people cried over it and stuff …

I think almost everyone edited and wrote like Glen Coco this year. Look at Janelle Bitker, the outgoing editor in chief. She transitioned this paper from daily to weekly with confidence, making the necessary changes to The Aggie so it could stay afloat another year. I also heard that she does car commercials … in Japan.

And outgoing Managing Editor Hannah Strumwasser? I mean, that hairdo must have taken hours, and she looks really pretty. But on a serious note, her hair is so big, and if she cuts it off like she keeps saying she will, where will all the secrets go? I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man.

So … why is everybody stressing over this Editor in Chief crown? I mean, it’s just plastic. I could really just … share it.

A piece for the new Managing Editor of New Media and Development, Brian Nguyen, a partial Spring Fling Queen. One time, he punched me in the face. It was awesome. A piece for outgoing Features Editor and incoming Campus Editor Adam Khan, a natural Spring Fling Queen because of his hair.

*Seriously, most people just take the Editor in Chief position and go.*

And a piece for the outgoing City Editor and incoming Managing Editor, Claire Tan. She fractured her spine, and she still looks like a rock star. Actually, she only scraped up her legs when she and Janelle Bitker got in a huge bike accident the other week.

Here are some pieces for the new editors that are joining the managing staff as well as those of you who are returning … Thank you for joining the Aggie team. Thank you for recognizing that I’m not a regular editor, I’m a cool editor.

God, Elizabeth, just wrap it up already.

All right, to everyone reading this, good luck on finals and live your summer like you’re Glen Coco. To The Aggie staff, friends and network, get ready to all share a piece of the Spring Fling crown and work to save the paper we all know and love.

*If you did not realize that I was quoting Mean Girls the entire time … 1) Shame on you. 2) Go to YouTube and watch the ending of Mean Girls 3) Rewatch Mean Girls.

If ELIZABETH ORPINA can ever help you with something — some snacks? A condom? Let her know at editor@theaggie.org. Oh, God love ya. If you don’t find something that fits your style in our paper, you can always try Sears.