I’ve decided to shake things up a bit differently this Halloween. Despite all my judgments and insecurities, I’m determined to go ahead and dress up “provocatively.” Alright, who am I kidding, it’s just straight up skanky. I still have some reservations about it because one, I feel like I’m selling out to “the Man,” and two, my body isn’t at its most pristine condition as of now. Let’s just say that the corset I bought probably cries little corset-tears because it might as well have been used for gift-wrapping a surfboard.
Anyone can tell you that my friends and I are pretty much the most insecure people ever. Ever. We might have different majors, but we all minor in feeling really crappy about ourselves. I myself just got accepted into the honors program, which teaches upper division courses like “Why a Man Will Never Find you Attractive 101” and “Your Parents Divorced Because of You, They Just Won’t Say it 113B.“
I know everyone has their own body image issues, but ours have been haunting us since the day our brains could differentiate between normal and abnormal faces, which usually finishes developing when you’re in the womb. And when our mothers told us we owned the ugly ones (due to no fault of their own, of course), we’ve all been in therapy ever since. Well, not me actually – I like to self-medicate with a lot of mirror punching.
That’s why we envy girls who can walk outside their houses come Oct. 31 and just strut their stuff like nobody’s business. We stare not out of judgment (eh, maybe sometimes – OK, all the time), but more out of admiration. I mean, to just walk out there and own it, that takes balls.
And so, this Friday, I will be having those balls my friends! All my peeps are finally 21, this is our last year together, and so what if people judge us and/or try to exorcise us? (It’s my eczema that usually confuses people). Shitloads of girls do it every Friday night – why not us for one time, one day out of the year?!
Fortunately, I’ve already finished buying my costume. I know some of you guys might have some last minute scurrying to do, so here are some tips for your procrastinating self:
First, the more your costume hinders your ability to move and function, the better. I believe that a costume that still makes you look like a civilian (i.e.: wearing normal clothes and then having a sign that says “Nudist on Strike,” or being Clark Kent instead of Superman) is such a cop-out move. Where’s the effort, people? When I see a man dressed in full fluffy mascot uniform or any other thing that basically guarantees he will not get lucky at all that night, I see commitment and sacrifice.
I also like this suggestion because it lowers a guy’s ability to touch and grope girls inappropriately. I know it’s Halloween and all, but put a mask on a guy and he just shreds every last bit of decency inside of him. Not only can he get away with it because he’s in disguise, but he also feels that girls are just asking for it. For shame! If any of you guys end up doing this, my friend who studied Wicca for three weeks shall put a hex on you, and you shall fail all your midterms! Even the easy ones like O-chem.
Second, make sure that whatever you wear, tons of people will be wearing it too. I mean let’s face it, you just have to accept the fact that indeed, there shall be other sexy angels and devils walking around the same club. I myself don’t mind seeing multiple costumes of the same thing since it’s bound to happen, but I find it odd how someone always manages to take it as a personal offense. As if their notion of going as a sexy cop was truly an original one-of-a-kind idea, despite the fact that the costume came in a gigantic Ziploc bag.
LYNN LA wishes everyone a safe Halloween and her stupid roommate a happy birthday. She also hopes that she can fight off this bronchitis before the 31st. Otherwise, she’ll be hawking a loogey every eight seconds on the dance floor. To make sure she gets well, e-mail her at email@example.com.