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Davis, California

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Or else they’ll kill you

Have you ever been dating someone and felt that all of a sudden, you’ve gone farther than you should have? Well I don’t really know what that feels like since I was taught to always put out on the first date and it’s been working fine for me so far (note to self: start the binge eating tomorrow). But for those who do have a problem with it, I heard it is quite a sticky situation.

I’m not just talking about the sexual aspect of a relationship, but the other sort of thing where you’re sitting there with your lady at dinner and she’s going on and on about your trip next weekend to her parentstimeshare and you’re wondering how the hell did this one-night stand manage to weasel her way in and transform into a full-fledged girlfriend overnight.

Or say you’re out bowling with the cute guy you met in English class (who two weeks into knowing him isn’t that cute anymore), and he gets upset that you don’t introduce him as your boyfriend when you run into your friends. Suddenly this guy becomes über clingy, but you do wonder if his anger is justified. Maybe you should haveI mean it’s been three years already and you did have his baby and all. But still, when did that make him more than a friend? According to his timetable it makes him yourboyfriend” (whatever that means). Man, what a creeper.

So if you want to hit the breaks with your relationship without ending it, follow my advice about slowing things down.

Degrade certain milestones to a point that it’s meaningless. Say instead of adopting a pet (which can eventually be exploited to keep people in relationships longer than they should) opt for adopting a highway first, just to get a feel for the responsibility. Of course, it might get a little awkward when you guys break up and both of you have to split the clean-up duties.

And knowing my luck, I’ll make my best efforts to take care of only the southbound area, but I’ll still manage to run into him, even though we both agreed he’d take northbound. And there he is with his old ex-girlfriend, holding hands and picking up trash together and I’m in my orange vest, alone, with an empty bottle of booze in my hand that I didn’t find on our once beloved Montague Expressway.

Anyway, how about instead of taking her to meet your parents, she can meet your second cousin twice removed and your adopted niece’s brother’s uncle, Peter. If you think about it, Peter and you are practically brothers (except the fact that he’s just your adopted niece’s brother’s uncle) and when you visit him, you have to talk through a phone on the other side of a two-inch plexiglass window. But other than that, it’s practically Thanksgiving at your folk’s house.

Give random/lame gifts to remind them that you don’t care. So your girl likes Cheese Nips? Then a box of Cheese Nips it is for your one-year anniversary. And don’t forget to say,You’re welcome,because she might forget to sayThank you,and punch you in the nuts instead (which just means that your plan of putting the relationship on hold proved successful, soyou’re welcome!). I remember my friend got a Louis Vuitton wallet from his girlfriend and he got her a grain of rice with her name on it, placed in a little glass vial. Mind you this wasn’t 1999 and neither of them were in the 7th grade.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out between them. She smashed the necklace, took the grain of rice, included it in a bowl of cooked rice, killed her boyfriend and ate them both in a niceF-youdinner.

With all your efforts though, remember to be careful. It’s rare to try to reverse a relationship without ending it. Think of all the couples you know who’ve broken up only to delude themselves intodatingeach other again. We all know what happens to them in the endthey die. That’s right, they become allergic to bananas and then keel over and die. Just like that. Don’t be like these couples and just end the relationship. Also, avoid bananas.

LYNN LA had a bad experience with food poisoning not so long ago and ended up throwing up in front of the Silo in broad daylight. She also knows what delicious fruit might have caused it. To give her your condolences, e-mail her at ldla@ucdavis.edu.

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