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Davis

Davis, California

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

What goes around?

Super Senior,

 

Are you getting pressure from your parents to graduate? Are they disappointed that you haven’t finished college yet? What would you say your biggest reason for staying a fifth year would be? If you had the opportunity to stay a sixth year, would you?

 

Future Super Senior

 

I’ve been in a particularly rare situation that’s allowed me to press my luck and my parent’s wallets for an extra year; namely, I’m a student athlete. However, I didn’t get here by being one; I was a walk-on that had to make the cross country and track teams via multiple time trials. But since my freshman year, what with me being such a badass, I’ve been put on a little money. That’s helped defray the cost of a fifth year, though it hasn’t totally compensated. Thankfully, though, my parents have been absolutely supportive in my decision to compete, and therefore be enrolled, for a fifth year.

Before you lambaste me for being a lazy jock who’s just stretching out his time here majoring in communication or doing “independent study,” let me remind you that 81 percent of UC Davis student athletes graduate by five years, whereas only 73 percent of non-student athletes do.

That said, I must confess that I am taking a sixth year. And a seventh. In graduate school.

Now, if you were really asking about your parents, not mine, I suggest taking on more responsibility for other areas of your life besides the funding of your education. Get an internship or a job, do some career research, take the GRE, just do something to show them you’re serious about your future.

They’ll feel better parting with their salary if they think it’s going someplace more productive than Citi.

 

Super Senior,

 

If you could do one thing differently at UC Davis, what would it be?

 

Inquiring Mind

 

I’d go to another country and study a broad. I know there’re plenty of broads to study here in Davis, but I always pictured a foreign setting being much more elucidating.

No but seriously folks, if I could do it over again I’d definitely spend a quarter in another country. We’re excessively myopic and insulated here, not just as Americans in general but as Californians specifically, and getting outside of your cultural, social and economic comfort zones is an essential part of understanding the world.

To my mind, there’s no better way to do that than to put your ass on a plane to China, Costa Rica, France, wherever, just so long as you end up someplace that tests and enlightens you.

Besides, Davis is depressing over the winter, brutally hot over the summer and boring year round. So take advantage of the opportunity to find some less offensive conditions and import a little culture back to Davis … we’ll thank you for it.

 

Super Senior,

 

Tonight my friends and I were eating at the DC in Segundo and we saw this guy at the end of the table. We started talking about him and my friend thought he was attractive (she likes facial hair). Let’s call her Kate. Anyhow, as we left I noticed that he had a track and field backpack on, so when we got back to the dorms we (Kate and I) checked the team roster and looked at their pictures. I think we may have found the right person, but when we checked Facebook, he didn’t have a picture. What should Kate do now? My friend really liked him and his mustache.

 

The girl with a facial hair loving freak of a friend.

 

Before I respond, let me first say that your friend has impeccable taste. It’s rare indeed that a woman is able to perceive the unbridled masculinity that is the 70s porn-star ‘stash, and even more exceptional that she would also have the same name as my cousin.

Anyhow, you bring up an interesting and fruitful topic; that of online stalking. Back in the before time, in the long-long ago, during the era before the internets, there was something called the “missed connections” section in the classifieds of what were once “newspapers.” This is where desperately lonely people cried out for affection to other desperately lonely people and also attempted to sell used lawnmowers.

Thanks to Facebook and it’s developmentally disabled half-brother MySpace, this phenomenon has become obsolete; we no longer need to scream into the darkness of print media, but are instead able to send e-mails to people in whom we’re interested in less than 45 minutes after we first see them without being distracted by a GREAT DEAL MOWER 5.5HP LIKE NEW!!! $70 OBO!!!

This is a good thing for everyone. There’s little inhibition, less fear of judgment and rejection isn’t nearly as harsh. Besides, you can flirt online in your whitie-tighties and a sweat-stained sports bra without any repercussions, and that’s pretty sweet.

Back when I was a freshman, the vast majority of my pursuits played out on Facebook for those very reasons (don’t judge the sports bra … it’s a long story). And based on your inquiry, it appears little has changed for the current crop.

Obviously, the most important aspect of Facebook is the pre-operational intelligence gathering, i.e. the stalking. This allows you to enter into courtship with a full arsenal of essential information. What kind of music does she like? Is she actually as hot as her profile picture? Does she have a big brother or an ex-boyfriend? Maybe a current boyfriend? Is he in the military? Are her friends more attractive than her? Can you use her to get to them? If you are a bad kisser cheat on her say the wrong name in bed make a tactical error, would the other girls you’re trying to date find out? Does she live in the same house with one of those other girls?

You know, the basics.

Information in hand, goals prioritized, risks understood and calculated, the Internet allows you to then actively manage your persona; you control what information she has access to; when, where and how you make contact; and the context, frequency and content of conversations. She has of course done the same research and is doing the same farcical Photoshopping you are. But it’s a mutually accepted farce, and so long as you meet when it’s somewhat dark out, no one’s the wiser.

Now, although Kate has done an admirable job gathering information outside of Mr. Zuckerberg’s Neverland Ranch, it sounds like she’s hit a roadblock. My sympathies for her are heartfelt, for I understand the frustration generated by a profile set to private to keep grad school admissions committees and the NCAA in the dark.

So here’s your next move:

Tell Kate I say hi.

 

K.C. CODY would like to point out that if a guy had written that last e-mail to a girl, he would be in prison. Keep ’em coming to kccody@ucdavis.edu.

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