59.1 F
Davis

Davis, California

Sunday, November 28, 2021

Attention grabbing witticism

Super Senior,

 

OK, so you were able to have a fifth year of college because you’re a student athlete and your parents footed the bill. What about the rest of us? It seems like you’re advocating taking five years, but that’s just not financially possible for some people.

 

Understandably Bitter

 

Well of course I’m advocating taking five years; what bigger, better thing do you have going on that just can’t wait?

There are a couple of ways to approach this, but let me first take it from the perspective of the current economy. Do you really think you’ll be able to find a job after you graduate given that, according to the National Association of Colleges and Employers, 22 percent fewer grads this spring will find themselves in a job compared to 2008? Or will you be like the 77 percent of 2008 grads that moved back home according to CollegeGrad.com?

So really, you’re S.O.L. on the job front anyway; unemployment is projected to be above 10 percent through the end of 2010 by Goldman Sachs, a firm not known for being overly pessimistic. So at this point it’s really just a decision about what you want your lifestyle to be like in the coming year(s). And given that your financial future is likely to be fail for quite some time, you might as well have some fun.

I look at it like this: say[Say SK] I take out a student loan to cover my fifth year of school for a generous $20,000 (in comparison, the average grad leaves college $19,000 in debt). Again being generous, let’s just say that works out to be $30,000 after interest. Next consider that the median UC Davis grad who managed to get a job made $52,000 in their first year. Let’s be conservative and assume that tops out at $75,000 per year by the time you want to retire. So, the question is then, are you willing to sacrifice six months of boring-ass retirement for one more year of the best fucking time of your life?

I mean really man, you live with your best friends, sleep in past noon, chemically alter your state of consciousness at will, fornicate at random and put in at most 30 hours per week going to school and studying shit that hopefully interests you.

Enjoy it.

 

Super Senior,

 

So I’m riding my bike around town, and all of a sudden I get a whiff of this smell. It’s a smell I’m somewhat familiar with, though I’ve never encountered it outside or with such potency. It’s kind of nasty, and I don’t like it at all. What the hell is going on?

 

Not A Pervert

 

The smell you are referring to is the result of a tree; scientific name Pyrus kawakamii, common name the Evergreen Pear. But apparently people around here call it the Cumbleberry Tree, though I was far less creative when I first encountered it and just called it the jizz tree.

It’s always funny to see people’s reactions to this thing. Girls don’t want to admit they know what the tree smells like for fear or being labeled a slut, so they act all surprised when they find out that, yes Virginia, you now smell like semen. On the other hand, guys react the same way they do to their own farts with a sort of detached curiosity. Either that or they get indignant and grossed out because dude-that’s-totally-gay.

It’s surprising that you can smell it so early, but believe me, the streets will smell like ejaculate for many months to, uh, come.

 

Super Senior,

 

It’s about to get really hot. How do I stay cool in the geologic convection oven that is the Central Valley?

 

Fairweather Fiend

My first suggestion is simple: don’t. Don’t even try to stay cool here; get out as fast as you can. Find a job someplace that doesn’t have a low of 85 degrees at night or take some classes in The City. As Jack London once said,The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

But if you have to stay in Davis, my advice is the same: don’t. Don’t even try to stay cool here, because it’s not possible. The heat is inevitable, relax and enjoy it (Bobby Knight, eat your heart out).

OK but seriously, if you want to be at least somewhat comfortable my suggestion is to get a job indoors, preferably in a lab on campus (they keep that scheeze at like 65 degrees) or a grocery store stocking frozen foods. You don’t have to pay for AC this way, which would run you a couple Benjamins a month otherwise.

That said, getting a job in the near future is about as likely as Meghan McCain making any coherent argument, so maybe you should put a block of ice in front of a fan and lay there all day without moving or speaking. In fact, Meghan McCain should do something similar, especially the last part.

Anyway, whatever you do, just don’t get an internship working in a greenhouse. You will immediately regret that decision.

 

K.C. CODY likes to rationalize indolence. Attempt to rationalize being assiduous to him at kccody@ucdavis.edu.

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