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Davis, California

Wednesday, July 17, 2024

The Sterling Compass

The college dating scene (or the lack thereof) and the ensuing confusion is frustrating and often leads to stereotyping of the opposite sex.

Ladies, how often have you and your friends lamented that “all college guys are undateable douchebags and guys, how many times have you seen one of the aforementioned douchebag punch another notch on his belt after successfully harpooning the fair damsel on the dance floor?

Well, Im not gonna lie; these generalizations are pretty much true in college and Davis is no exception.

But dont despair, my friends, because this peculiar affinity for being attracted to the opposite of what is actually healthy or good for us is but one of four stages in what I like to call “The Cycle of Douchebaggery.

Stage 1: The Idealist Phase. Also known as “The Cory Matthews Phase for guys and “The Disney Dream Phase for girls, this stage is characterized by an unabated (and often naïve) desire for a meaningful relationship. Whether it is the Homeric search for a Topanga Lawrence or a Prince Charming, those who reside within this stage are looking for more than just a one-night-stand. But lets face it; we are biologically hardwired to be promiscuous, filthy apes and it takes a degree of idealism to seek and maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Stage 1 individuals are thoughtful, empathetic creatures who understand the true definition of love is deriving happiness by ensuring the happiness and well-being of another.

Stage 2: The Realization Phase. Once Stage 1 guys tire of seeing their would-be Topangas banging the Biffs from Back to the Future, they gradually grow disillusioned. They may realize treating a girl like she is more than just a piece of meat will more often than not leave them biting the dust of their less morally composed male colleagues.

If a Stage 1 girl too often finds herself abandoned shortly after dropping her drawbridge to allow Prince Charming to storm her castle, then she may begin to lose faith in romantic love and decide she might as well just slut it up.

Stage 3: The Douchebag/Beezies Phase. When realitys brutal blows stamp out all vestiges of hope for a meaningful relationship, individuals enter this stage, the category in which most college-aged people reside. Stage 3 guys exhibit typical douchebag behavior and are primarily motivated by a singular urge to “get some, then get out. Mindful of historys valuable lessons, a Stage 3 guy often uses his Trojan horse to deceive and penetrate Stage 1 girls fortress walls, shattering their Disney-esque dreams and leaving them embittered listening to Taylor Swifts “White Horse.

Stage 3 girls are terrified of commitment and are hopelessly attracted to douchebags, leaving Stage 1 guys shit out of luck. These girls love being treated like dirt and reward douchebag behavior by giving Stage 3 guys exactly what they want. Stage 3 girls revel in the attention they receive by leading on hopeful Stage 1 guys, only to leave them dragging the flower bouquet in the rain like Hitch before he got game.

After screwing over Stage 1 individuals, Stage 3 skeezers perpetuate the cycle by making douchebags and beezies out of good guys and girls, respectively. They also have no qualms about pursuing Stage 1 individuals already in relationships, planting the seeds of doubt, and conveniently picking up the pieces once the relationship hits the fan.

Stage 4: The Empty Phase. After many fleeting and meaningless sexual conquests, Stage 3 Douchebags and Beezies reach an existential crisis when they realize their behavior has left them emotionally drained and spiritually empty. It may take years to reach this stage and some never will (i.e. Hugh Hefner), but most reach this stage not long after leaving college. This transitory phase causes the douchebag guy and bona fide skeezbag girl alike to come full circle, reevaluate their degenerate lives, and realize that their Topanga or Prince Charming may be out there after all.

Thus, we arrive back where we began at Stage 1.


MIKE HOWER thinks youre a skeezbag. Yeah, you. Reevaluate your life then send him a message at mahower@ucdavis.edu.


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