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Davis, California

Thursday, July 29, 2021

And then I found 5 Dollars

I’m sure that the majority of people know about the awesomeness that is fmylife.com. If you are one of the few who haven’t tuned in, allow me to explain. Fmylife.com is a website that allows people to post situations they’ve gotten into that elicit the response,F*** my life!” These can be embarrassing or just plain sad. Usually, it’s a little of both. This website has thousands of stories about the ridiculous, tragic events that happen to people just like you and me.

As great (and time-consuming) as reading through all these accounts of humiliation can be, the honeymoon phase ends eventually. Mine came to a tragic and premature end when an unintentionally cruel friend leaned over my shoulder and said,Fmylife.com? You know that they’re all basically made up, right?” Realistically, I know that they can’t all be real. I mean, whoaccidentallygets into high speed chases or is cheated on by fiancées with their mother’s best friend’s secretary’s wife and then goes onto this website to write about it? But it’s a whole other thing to subconsciously understand this fact than to think about it every time you read about some 21-year-old guy’s mom making fun of his lack of sexual experience. It kind of takes some of the fun out of it.

If there is anyone else like me out there who likes to pretend that everything they read on the Internet is true, this column is for you. A compilation of honest-to-goodness embarrassing stories that will make you feel better about your life. Guaranteed.

I have a friend; let’s call her Lauren Kay Tallerico. Lauren likes to shout embarrassing things when people fall down. For example, when I tripped over my own feet and fell on my face while on stage at Relay for Life, Lauren shouted,She meant to do that!” I think this trumps freshman year when I lit the stage on fire. While hundreds of people stood in solemn silence, remembering the loved ones they lost to cancer, I was hurriedly trying to find a way to stop my clumsiness from destroying Toomey Field.

My friend Kyle walked into a classroom in Olson and tried to take a seat in one of the chairs with the desks attached. I say tried, because he unsuccessfully and continuously was trying to seat himself in a left-handed desk from the wrong side. He tried everything he could think of: squeezing his butt into the tiny space, stepping into the seat, putting his backpack down first and even blaming the chair in a loud, emphatic voice. I’d say it took him a good 7 seconds until he took a step back and realized what he had done. Unfortunately, by this point, the rest of the class had as well.

Probably one of the most amusing things you will ever witness is your Ivy League-educated, Ph.D.-holding, book-writing, genius professor trying to work PowerPoint/the lights/the blinds. We have all seen our awe-inspiring instructors entirely consumed with confusion over some mundane task that makes you feel better about yourself, even if just for that class period.

There are also the unending stream of bathroom stories, many of which I am too lady-like to print here. However, the funnier ones include my friend who told me she walked into a bathroom door while singing along to ELO on her iPod. When she told me this I said,Oh, you mean the stall door?” No, she actually walked into the unopened door leading to the bathroom. Then there was that time that my friend was violently shaking a port-a-potty and screaming that she was stuck. Luckily, she calmed down enough to listen to us explaining that she need to push on the door, not pull. However, by this time, a crowd had gathered.

I think we’ve all had embarrassing moments, but the important thing is to put it in perspective. At least you didn’t fall over yourself trying to get into a left-handed desk.

 

DANIELLE RAMIREZ is sorry if she has destroyed anyone’s misconceptions about fmylife.com. She also is sorry that Santa isn’t real, either. E-mail her with your own FMyLife moment at dramirez@ucdavis.edu.

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