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Davis, California

Friday, July 19, 2024

Editorial: Resolutions

We here at The Aggie are committed to bettering ourselves in order to provide our readers the most cutting-edge and innovative content possible. However, like most people in this world, we also make lofty resolutions each new year that never survive to see Jan. 3. In keeping with that noble tradition, here are some New Year’s commitments to pin on your wall and gather dust for the next 357 days.

1. Keep motherly nagging to a minimum by starting the summer internship application process. On one hand, you might nab yourself a once-in-a-lifetime experience that fosters your hidden potential. Even if you don’t land the job, you won’t have to keep being asked why you can’t be more like the neighbor’s kid. He just got a job with Google, you know.

2. Give yourself a fighting chance of getting into heaven by adopting a kitten with the Davis Orphan Kitten Project or the Yolo County SPCA. The end is always near, and those kittens are ridiculously adorable and in need of a loving home.

3. Slow the Earth’s inevitable meltdown just enough so your children have something to inherit by paying attention to the proper compost designations on your waste containers. That way, they won’t argue when you force them into environmental engineering.

4. Prevent yourself from sounding like an ignorant ‘Murican by befriending an international student. Do they serve California rolls in Japan? No. But are Australian accents cute? Yes they are.

5. Give your body a fighting chance this quarter by taking plenty of Flintstones vitamin supplements. With winter’s chill comes the sniffles. With the sniffles comes celibacy.

6. Put your school pride to the test by attending a UC Davis sporting event. Afterward, get your tuition’s worth by attending a free CAPS therapy session until you are ready for the healing process to begin.

7. Join a new club and stay long enough to earn yourself a fancy new T-shirt. Then bail with a mouth full of pizza.

8. Learn something new by reading The Aggie every day. Then recycle it properly in the appropriate waste container, or use it to line the litter box for that adorable kitten you adopted earlier.

9. With this, we extend our warmest welcome back to the People’s Republic of Davis, and wish you all a safe and memorable Winter Quarter.


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