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Saturday, September 25, 2021

Humor: The 12 steps to take after you get your syllabus

MONICA CHAN / AGGIE
MONICA CHAN / AGGIE

A recipe for success.

It’s the first day of class. You sit down and shoot your professor a look that you hope communicates, “I will never do the assigned reading. Also, please don’t call on me. Ever.” The professor stands in front of the room and clears their throat. You know exactly what’s coming next: syllabus time! Or as I like to call it: “The handing out of stapled papers I’m going to lose within the next five minutes.” Here’s what to do when you get that useless stack of dead trees:

  1. Immediately start sweating. Conjure up the pit of terror you experienced during fall quarter finals and let it all out. Crying is recommended, but not necessary.
  2. Hold your syllabus in hand and, while the teacher is busy telling you about your assignments, stare at the wall and wonder about the plural of syllabus. Syllabi? Syllabuses? You’re not sure. Scratch your head to help you think.
  3. Someone is asking a question. Yikes. Start chanting “teacher’s pet” in your head. Rename this person Jimmy. God, we hate Jimmy.
  4. Flip through the pages, giving a tender kiss to each one. Whisper to it, “You’re going to be so tasty.”
  5. Here’s where the fun begins. Dig through your backpack and get out your portable blender. I know what you’re thinking. You thought it was a stupid Christmas present at the time, but it looks like Aunt Sally really does know what she’s talking about when she said you’d get a lot of mileage out of that thing.
  6. Next, get out the unsweetened vanilla almond milk you religiously buy from Trader Joe’s so that your vegan friends think you’re cool. Add a splash to your blender. Sprinkle in a few tears for good luck.
  7. Proceed to tear up your syllabus. Tear extra on the grades section. Add the shreds to your milk and blend!
  8. At this point your professor may be yelling, “What are you doing? Get out of here!” Ignore them and scream back, “Don’t worry, you can totally have some!”
  9. Once blending has commenced, look at the thick gloppy paste you’ve created and smile! Your parents would be so proud they’re spending $30,000 so that you can have the finest smoothie ingredients possible.
  10. Don’t be rude! Offer some to everyone but Jimmy. They’re probably looking at you funny, but that’s only because you forgot to add the secret ingredient, silly! Pick a few hairs off the ground, add as garnish and offer it again.
  11. Take a big gulp and feel your responsibilities slide down your esophagus. Congrats, you’re ready to take on winter quarter!
  12. Repeat for every class.

Written by: Alex Guzman – opinions@theaggie.org

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