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Davis, California

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Ali Baba releases new hangover-curing breakfast burrito

I can feel my mom’s disappointment fade away with every bite!

 

By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu

 

You may have experienced a pounding headache, a dry throat and the feeling that your stomach has turned inside out while picking up breakfast from Ali Baba. Maybe you have even thrown up in the bathroom and come back to the table like a champ once or twice. After all, you have to contribute to the debrief of last night’s occurrences at the Pi Sigma Alpha Beta Delta party, even while a family of five has lunch at the table next to you, their grandma pointing to your table and warning her grandchildren not to make the same mistakes you did.

If this sounds like you, then you’re in luck; Ali Baba has just released a cure for our hangover problems. Introducing the “Hangover Burrito”: It’s better than a cup of coffee, a shower and a hug from your mom combined! 

The recipe for the Hangover Burrito is revolutionary. Like all good breakfast burritos, it contains scrambled eggs, bacon and fried tater tots to soak up the alcohol left in your bloodstream. It also features a creatine-infused hot sauce to give you that boost of energy and a spicy kick and chunks of Tums to soothe your stomach. The burrito also contains fried onions, melted cheese and a dollop of Gatorade-flavored sour cream to revive your electrolytes. By the time your order is ready, Ali Baba will have one of your professors release a 53% grade on your midterm to wake you up and keep you alert and focused.

We know the burrito is great, but don’t take our word for it. Just ask Kyle Johnson, a frequent party-goer and believer in the Ali Baba Hangover Burrito! Oh wait, he’s passed out at the Farmer’s Market by the apple cider stand, which he mistook for a keg. Oh, and he’s butt naked. Well, there’s never a dull day in Davis, and now, never a bad hangover, thanks to Ali Baba.

So if you wake up after a night of partying feeling like a “Last of Us” zombie, come on down to Ali Baba and try the new Hangover Burrito. You won’t regret it, just the rest of your life’s choices.

 

Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)