58.3 F
Davis

Davis, California

Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Who I’d beat in a fight: UCD edition

Not literally, just metaphysically

 

By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu

 

To be honest, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot lately and just PR’d on bench press (35 lbs), so I feel confident in my ability to take out my frustrations and show off my two months of Krav Maga practice. I’ve been eating a lot of butternut squash tacos at the DC too, and my protein intake is the highest it’s ever been. Therefore, I’ve made a list of people I feel confident I could take on in a fight in the University of California, Davis vicinity. 

  • The Egghead in front of the library
  • 15 squirrels (at once)
  • ChatGPT (verbal argument)
  • A frat brother working security (they have a 20% blood alcohol level)
  • Two turkeys (at once)
  • My RA
  • David Dobrik (he has no affiliation with UC Davis, he just has a stupid face)
  • Any electric scooter owner
  • Anyone from Cuarto
  • The people working the desk at the ARC (they seem low energy so I’d offer them a slurp of my Celsius but they’d get mad and post my ID on the UC Davis Snapchat story)
  • A computer science and engineering (CSE) major (too depressed to fight back)
  • Those lazy freeloaders in the hammocks on the Quad

 

Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)