By CARMEL RAVIV — email@example.com
Have you ever seen walls sweat? Smelled a B.O. cocktail of 100 people in a single basement? Stepped in a puddle of possibly beer, piss or vomit to the sound of no one getting the words right to Pepas? Then you must have been to a college frat party!
Frat parties are essential to campus social life, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be improved. These functions can often leave us in the bathroom pleading to a God we just started acknowledging and re-considering if we were ever actually “built different.” Because if I’m not “him,” who am I in this messed-up world? What is my purpose? How quickly can I get an Ali Baba breakfast burrito before the Sunday Scaries kick in?
Moments like these make us yearn for simpler times. For ancient, tried-and-true traditions for getting down at a function. We don’t just want to party, we want to celebrate. We don’t want to move to the sound of a Spotify playlist curated by that guy in your econ class wearing a “Certified Munch” T-shirt. We want to dance to the rhythm of DJ Shlomo playing “Cha Cha Slide” and Fetty Wap. I thought sitting through a two-hour Synagogue service that consisted of my friend reciting the Torah was hard, but then I experienced five days of lectures. With no recordings on Canvas. I’m downing that grape juice and now I wanna go goblin mode.
Ladies, I know we’re getting tired of our scantily clad going-out outfits, and the boys in their boldly patterned button-downs. Instead, we should be embracing Bar Mitzvah attire traditions, such as skater dresses with Converse. And the boys… actually, they can keep wearing what they’re wearing.
Enough of carrying my barely-conscious friend to a weirdly stained couch so they can yak in a bush. I want to carry them on a chair, for all of us to raise them high 13 times. As a community. As one. And then they can yak in a bush.
Bring back snack tables. Bring back video montages. Bring back photographers to capture you in your worst angles at your best moment. Bring. Back. The Bar Mitzvah Party.
Written by: Carmel Raviv — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)