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Monday, July 22, 2024

How to write an essay in one hour

AAAAAAAAAH

 

By AUDREY ZHANG – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

 

We’ve all been there. You’re spending your time trying to enjoy college and get those Best Years of Your Life™ and then you remember that you’re drowning in debt for a reason — to get a degree. The deadline is tonight and you’ve got a blank page and no hope. Fear not, for I have seen this time and time again and can save your failing grade. I call it the Death Metal Technique because at the end of it, your paper will be spitting bars and you will feel like you want to die.  

Preparation is the most important step. I know this sounds obvious, but if you’re reading this, then you have clearly missed that memo. Step one is to panic. Get all those nerves and feelings that maybe your parents were right about you out of your system. You’re running out of time, so make your nervous breakdown quick. You have work to do. 

Brainstorm. It’d be helpful if you did any actual research or read the material beforehand, but I’m not holding out too much hope at this point. It’s time to hit up the internet. SparkNotes is your problematic ex that you keep going back to. Treasure it. Love it. And when it asks for money you don’t have, watch it take your future hopes and dreams away from you.

The next step is to tell everyone you know how hard you’ve been working and how you can’t hang out; you really need to get this essay done. Call again and talk about your grindset mindset. There, now you’ve made everyone else feel bad about writing at the last minute too. Ride on that throne of lies and let it carry you to victory.

Do the format first. I guarantee you will forget at the end and you’ll feel like you’ve actually accomplished something once that document looks all nice and pretty. Reach the page count by saying the same thing in a slightly different way each time. The TA skimming it won’t notice and you’ll get points for organization. Pay special attention to the first and last sentences of your essay. It’s probably all they’ll read.

Take your only break and pull out ChatGPT. It’s alright, I know everyone’s at least thought about it. Just don’t blame me when it says that Romeo kissed Tybalt instead of Juliet. Get back to work. 

Soon, you’ll have a completed draft in front of you. Don’t bother proofreading. Just Ctrl-F that baby and look up any swear words that you might’ve said aloud and then typed into your beautiful essay. No, I am not speaking from personal experience. 

No need to thank me, but Lamborghinis don’t come cheap. Feel free to tip my Ko-fi, and good luck! Time is ticking.

 

Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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