Does a fire alarm mean the food is ready?
By CARMEL RAVIV — firstname.lastname@example.org
Slightly brown romaine lettuce. Crusty teriyaki sauce. Honey glazed deli ham. Milk. Everclear vodka.
Even the most experienced chefs that graced the televised kitchen of “Chopped” couldn’t think of a way these miscellaneous ingredients could have blended together to make an edible meal. But the might of a second-year college student too lazy to go to Trader Joe’s, wired from a 6 p.m. midterm, could make something somewhat almost edible — but that is also probably gonna take two years off their life.
“Hey, how are they supposed to know what vegetables to buy if the salad kits are right there? Also, my mom isn’t here — why should I pretend to eat salad? Why would I buy an onion? What can I even do with an onion? Wait, parsley and cilantro are different things? They’re not just tiny leaves?”
I’ve seen it all. I know what you do when you think no one is watching. I know you made pasta three times this week and then posted it on your story captioned “Cheffing it up” or “Someone come wife me up.” I know you think frozen Trader Joe’s food is a fully balanced meal. I know you just wash the same plate over and over again. I know you never use your oven. If you’re a boy, you think you make the best chicken ever. You don’t. It’s dry. Cry.
Last year in the DC I saw some guy eat four cups of curly fries, apple juice and two snickerdoodle cookies and said it was his lunch. I thought that was the strangest food combination I’d ever seen. Then you give 20-year-olds free rein in the kitchen. I saw a different guy eat two cans of tuna and cottage cheese the day after his move-in. You’re paying over $30k in tuition, why eat like we’re in the Cold War?
The things Davis students are making in their kitchens never cease to amaze me. Not because it shows they’re ready for adulthood, but more so ready to take on any expired/radioactive substance they ingest.
Written by: Carmel Raviv — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)