Researchers visiting UC Davis are unsatisfied with their catering options
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Recently, the Department of Agricultural and Resource Economics (ARE) hosted three traveling researchers. It was a pleasant affair composed of a guest lecture, several meetings and an ending presentation. Many connections were made and networks were expanded. An overall exceptional experience, and it was only 11 a.m.
“So, what’s for lunch?” one researcher asked whilst clutching his fairly large belly.
The ARE faculty grinned from ear to ear, as they had secured an elite dining experience — the Segundo Dining Commons. However, just as it made the ARE faculty smile, it wiped the smile off of the traveling researchers’ faces.
When asked for a statement, the second researcher announced: “It was really disappointing to be treated so poorly. I wanted something classy for lunch. Something like catered Panera Bread.”
The three researchers dragged their feet all the way to the Segundo Dining Commons to get their meal. One researcher chose a burger with curly fries, another a salad and the third refused food on principle. Overall, this once amazing day was quickly taking a turn for the worst.
After lunch, the third researcher was scheduled to present — however, he was extremely hungry due to his protest of the food offered at the dining commons. So, he presented with an attitude and answered every question irritably. In order to mend this once beautiful relationship, the ARE faculty decided to purchase a Snickers bar from a vending machine for this researcher. However, it ruined what was left of their working relationship because it turned out that he was allergic to peanuts.
While tension was building in the department, several squirrels outside began to listen in on the commotion and pass on the message. After about an hour, everyone at UC Davis had heard about the drama. Squirrels are very popular.
Thus, a plan was hatched to earn the respect of the researchers once again. It started with Gunrock, who acquired a very large stainless steel pot which he placed over a bed of coals in the Memorial Union (MU). One by one, squirrels from all over campus acquired bits of food to add to the pot. One group of squirrels even trekked all the way to the student farm to get some nice vegetables.
Slowly but surely, the pot began to be filled with veggies from the student farm and chicken stock from The Pantry — someone even tried to put a wild turkey into the pot before Gunrock intervened. When Gunrock wasn’t looking, a group of geology majors slipped some stones into the soup, claiming that rocks make every meal taste better. As the makeshift soup simmered, Gunrock would stir occasionally with a large wooden spoon.
At around 5 p.m., the soup was about finished and ready to serve. The researchers were angrily getting ready to leave when they were redirected to the MU to have some soup. Hundreds of UC Davis students gathered in the MU to witness the mending of friendship through soup.
At this point, Gunrock had an apron on and began ladling out bowls of soup for the researchers. Although they were still upset, the soup smelled very scrumptious, so they couldn’t resist a taste. A couple slurps later, these researchers were hooked, claiming that this was the “best soup they’d ever had.”
The campus rejoiced, and students began to line up for their share of the friendship soup. After enjoying a hearty bowl served by Gunrock, everyone lived happily ever after.
The end.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
