Student drives himself insane over Memorial Union pizza bagel
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
My poor friend, Dwayne, a geology major, took some much-needed respite from instruction during the winter break — needed because he spent all of fall quarter obsessing over pizza bagels. The sad thing is that he started the fall quarter as a transfer student, so he doesn’t know what “normal” is like here at UC Davis. He attempted to explain his dilemma to me countless times; However, I was never able to soothe his thoughts.
It all began in September when he was a fresh and shiny incoming student. The world was his oyster. He dreamt of researching rocks to his heart’s content. All was well for Dwayne in the beginning. His classes were interesting, and he was trying out different study spots around campus in his free time. That was, until he tried out the CoHo in the Memorial Union.
The CoHo overwhelmed Dwayne with all of the students, countless food options and excess of natural light. However, he powered through toward the bagels. Dwayne loves bagels. One year in high school, he ate bagels twice per day every day, and it sent him to the emergency room for severe constipation. Now, he tries to restrain himself from his vice. Luckily, he hadn’t had a bagel in a week, so it was okay to indulge.
This was when the pizza bagel caught his eye. This was a rare delicacy that Dwanye typically tried to avoid. In an impulsive moment, Dwayne ordered a pizza bagel. As the MU bagel artisan was preparing his pizza bagel, Dwayne bit his lip in anticipation because he knew that he just made a bad decision.
Once the pizza bagel was ready, the employee called out Dwayne’s name to reunite the bagel with its true home. Dwayne found a luxurious booth in the CoHo and sat down to eat his pizza bagel. Napkin in one hand and his pizza bagel in the other, Dwayne took a large bite.
Oh no.
Dwayne was filled with immense disappointment, because the bagel was a mushy mess. He took another bite and it only got worse. Dwayne frantically took bite after bite to mend the situation, however the bagel never improved.
He carried this disappointment with him throughout the week. He couldn’t sleep at night, focus in class or even maintain a meaningful conversation with his new friends. After seven days of wallowing, Dwayne couldn’t take it anymore and stumbled into the CoHo in search of a replacement bagel.
“One pizza bagel please,” Dwayne ordered anxiously. It was torture to wait for his bagel to be ready. Once it was, Dwayne carried it carefully over to a table and set it down cautiously. One bite in, Dwayne felt flooded with disappointment once more.
Throughout the rest of fall quarter, Dwayne entered into an obsessive cycle of eating pizza bagels and then entering manic episodes of disappointment due to how terrible they tasted. His grades suffered and his friends felt sorry for him.
Near the end of the quarter, one of his friends (what a saint) decided to help him through this rough patch so that he could lock in for finals week. His friend, Hayley, held his hand and guided him back to the CoHo. This time, she hoped to persuade him to eat a different bagel so he could move forward from his toxic relationship with the pizza bagel.
“Why don’t you try a toasted plain bagel, that wouldn’t be too bad?” Hayley soothed Dwayne. He was apprehensive, but went along with her plan because it couldn’t possibly be worse than the pizza bagel.
Toasted bagel in hand, Hayley helped him find a place to sit and test out this new bagel. Dwayne took a small bite and was filled with relief. This bagel actually wasn’t too bad. He frantically took more bites to verify that this was true. The bagel tasted amazing. It was perfectly toasted and crispy to Dwayne’s liking.
This was when Dwayne realized the reason why the pizza bagel was so terrible. It was toasted in the same manner as this plain bagel, which wasn’t enough for the hefty pizza bagel. Dwayne was cured from his obsession and turned to give Hayley a gigantic hug for her help.
One hour later, Dwayne was spotted at the library — locked in. He spent the rest of his time at UC Davis in the library to catch up on all the material that he missed during the pizza bagel mania. He was able to catch up, scoring high on all of his final exams.
Dwayne lived happily ever after without that cursed pizza bagel.
The End.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)