“Louis, I think this is the dissolution of a beautiful friendship”
By ABHINAYA KASAGANI— akasagani@ucdavis.edu
The collapse of an “everyday friendship” is unlike the dissolution of any other relationship. One must procedurally split their assets, sign papers agreeing on an amicable separation system that is fair to both parties, chronicle their collapse of routine and hope that it is all eventually worthwhile. Everyday friendships are not simply friendships — these are intertwined lives, plans and personhoods. Who am I without you? The collapse of an everyday friendship is the collapse of a rib and a phantom limb. It is, in its own right, a divorce.
The collapse of my first everyday friendship left me inconsolable and unfit for anything else. Yes, we are different people. So what? Everyone is different. Sometimes, people become so fascinated by the make of the cloth that they fail to recognize its incongruence. That’s okay, I suppose. I was sustained by this friendship and would have done nothing differently. Still, every time my mother calls, she asks if we are best friends again. To her, this is a terrible accident — a horrible miscalculation on both our parts.
Friendship, more often than not, is a matter of convenience. The fragility of such friendships lies in the fact that they are nurtured by proximity and not personal alignment. People once found joy in solidarity, in routine — break rooms and grocery store lines transformed themselves into front porches where one exchanged pleasantries. People felt seen: as if they belonged. The frequency with which they saw one another contributed to their friendship. Despite not being a product of ideological alignment, friendships often thrived despite differences.
However, the fundamental way in which one approaches their friendships has changed. The fragility of proximity-based friendships in a culture that prioritizes algorithms that feed us hyper-specific and personalized content makes it harder to engage with those who think or feel differently. What was once convenient and wonderful is now weakened by difference. Friendships crumble under the weight of ideological purity and a growing intolerance for misaligned values (I have no intention of being diplomatic; some values absolutely do not have to be tolerated).
Additionally, the burden of expectation in modern friendships demands that you bring something of value to the table, offering up your worth for assessment. Friendships are increasingly expected to fulfill roles once reserved for romantic partners, making it difficult to truly “show up” for someone in ways that prove unrealistic.
Past generations were more accepting of casual, transactional and circumstantial friendships and viewed them as equally valuable. Nowadays, however, these unachievable expectations make it inevitable that you fall short and disappoint someone you care for. Failing to meet these expectations stunts friendships, often leading to burnout, and, ultimately, detachment.
In addition to these demands, friendships now tend to require complete alignment. Friendships are transformed into echo chambers — spaces where one is continuously exposed to a narrow range of perspectives that parrot back ideas they already believe in. This reinforces a cycle of confirmation bias, sheltering everyone from other dimensions of thought. Within friendships, there is a growing need not just for common interests, but also common philosophies — agreement on values, lifestyle and ambitions.
“Can your 10-year plan accommodate mine? No? Then sorry, we can’t be friends.” Differences in career priorities, life planning or other attitudes can lead to the dissolution of friendships. Someone climbing the corporate ladder cannot be friends with an artist. Someone with children cannot be friends with someone who goes out every Saturday. While it is natural to grow apart over time, the mere existence of a contrasting perspective is often enough to encourage someone to have one foot out the door.
Polish sociologist Henri Tajfel introduced social identity theory as a way to explain group dynamics. This theory explores the concept of the “ingroup” and “outgroup,” discussing how individuals shape their self-identity through membership in social groups. While this framework may foster sustainable connections for some, it renders friendships fragile and exclusive; friendships become less resilient and increasingly reliant on ideological purity and congruence.
It is key to reevaluate what it is that we expect from our friendships. The maintenance of everyday friendship benefits from the understanding that there is no “right way.” Put your eggs in different baskets and find different fish. The solution, perhaps, is to redefine our expectations for one another. Embracing imperfection and difference can allow us to preserve an everyday friendship before it becomes impossible to sustain. Just as Humphrey Bogart’s character in “Casablancas” says: “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
Written by: Abhinaya Kasagani— akasagani@ucdavis.edu
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