Bicycle <3
By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu
Transportation via bicycle is extremely popular at UC Davis. Almost too popular, if you ask me. After years of observation and careful research, I have deduced that you can tell a lot about a person by what kind of bike they ride. Here are my findings.
The yellow Walmart bike
You have never ridden a bike before coming to Davis. You have trouble finding your bike because a third of this school has this exact model.
A bike with two or more locks
Why do you think you are so important?
Electric scooter
No.
The bike with really thin wheels
You probably signal when you turn in a bike circle.
A bike that’s too small for you
You stole this.
A rusty old bike from your garage
You’re here for a good time, not a long time. And your bike probably got stolen this year by the person above.
A bike with a basket, phone holder, fenders, front light and back light
You would not survive in the wild.
A bike you put tape on yourself to make it look cheaper
You think you’re so cool, huh? You think you’re so tough? Oh yeah, you’re so smart — no, you’re not.
An expensive racing bike
The craziest party you went to this year was when the cycling team drank beer at Pizza and Pints. The only person you take back to your room is your $2,000 bike.
An electric bike
What.
Any bike but you’re wearing a helmet
You’re a professor.
A car
Do you want to be friends with me?
A Trader Joe’s shopping cart
You’re drunk.
Skateboard
You know you want a bike. Conform. Conform. Conform. Conform.
Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
