Hey there, sexy. How are you feeling today? Has your week been just a little too crazy? Are you a bit tired? I know, baby. I know.
Relax. Take a breather. Undo a zipper, a button. I’ll get you in the mood for something good. Close your eyes and breathe. Let me take care of you.
All right. Was I starting to sound sexy?
Or are you just uncomfortable now?
I guess I shouldn’t have jumped into things so quickly. My apologies. Let’s start over.
Hi. I’m Mario Lugo. I’m a Virgo English major who enjoys a good book, a well-executed outfit and a quickie any time. Just like you, I came to college, a wandering soul looking for love at all the wrong parties, and didn’t really know who I’d turn out to be. Oddly enough, I became this guy.
If you were here last year, you might remember me. Welcome back, honeybees. If you’re a Davis first-timer, I hope you love it here so far. I know we’re not much to look at, and the smell is oftentimes difficult to bear, but we’ll grow on you. Just wait ’til Picnic Day. You’ll fall for us.
Last year I wrote a column in The Aggie. My main focus was relationships, aiding my fellow teens and 20-somethings at UC Davis in the ways of love and lust. I’d share my stories, hoping you’d realize just one thing: If someone like me – a crazy, hopeless and awkward shopaholic who’s a little too fabulous sometimes – can manage coming out of the dating world alive, you can too.
This year will be a bit different than last, however. I’ll still be here for you, honeybees, don’t worry. But this time, I’m sticking to sex. Mario Lugo, sex columnist. It just sounds hot, doesn’t it?
To be completely honest, sex amazes me. And to answer your questions, no, I’m not a slut or a pervert. I’m just a sex-positive person who understands you. I understand that you have needs and desires. I know about that little fetish you’re too scared to unveil. I know that you’re a little confused, may be too afraid to ask some questions and could use a friend to talk to.
I could be that friend. I’m here to talk about things you might be curious about. And it’s perfect because I’m right here in The Aggie – rest assured, you can be reading about something naughty like foreplay or vibrators completely guilt-free. No one will say anything about you; you’re simply reading the paper. See, I really am your friend.
So let’s get back to you. After all, that’s what I’m here for. Remember how relaxed you were before I started telling you about me? Let’s go back there. Relax, I’m all about you right now.
Now that you’re in the mood, think about your ideal sex partner. Don’t feel guilty if you’ve got a boyfriend and are imagining the perfect hybrid of George Clooney’s face and Taylor Lautner’s torso – I’m doing it, too. This is your fantasy and the sky’s the limit.
But wait, what do you hear? Are you alone and hear nothing? Or are you somewhere public, trying to drown out the rest of the world? Don’t you just wish you could play some really good music to help keep the mood alive?
Sex music. Yes, there is such a thing. Many people play music during sex for various reasons, one being obvious: to get the mood going. Let’s be real, no one can resist feeling a little hot and bothered when Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” starts up. Sometimes, a good tune is all we need to get us started.
But other times, it may not really matter what’s playing. As long as it overpowers the moans and groans of those getting it on, it serves its purpose. My roommate Belle and her boyfriend are big adherents to this method.
Having taken and passed psychology last year, I feel I have enough academic license to tell you that the human brain is very responsive to music. So sometimes, music can affect the sex you’re having. Just have time for a quickie? Try Pepper’s “Give It Up” or a raunchy Ke$ha tune. Want it to mean a little more? There’s Luther Vandross or Sade. Just feeling naughty? There are plenty of songs for that.
But something I found on the Internet might make the sound of music appealing to more than just your ears: a vibrator that rocks your world to the beat of your own iPod. The device is called an OhMiBod – just plug in your iPod, hit play and let the music you love, “love you back.”
Pop the name into Google and explore the site – it’s really nifty. They come in different models, colors and sizes. There’s even a vibrator for those “on the go” that connects to your cell phone!
There’s something to leave you thinking about. But now it’s time for you to run along and get busy with your day.
See, this was nothing more than a good sex talk with your friend in the paper. Wasn’t it fun?
Next week, we’re talking about semen. See you then! It was a pleasure meeting you.
MARIO LUGO loves talking to you already. He has some great song recommendations if you’re itching to make a sex playlist. And remember, this column’s for you! So don’t be shy! If there’s something you want to hear about, drop a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.