HUMOR: Undeclared senior decides that he, too, can someday be president

Ronald Dump makes his case: ‘Why not me?’

Ronald Dump woke up on Saturday with a goal in mind. The 22-year-old decided that he wanted to be President of the United States of America. Dump is an undeclared fourth-year student from Beverly Hills, Calif. who has taken nearly 160 units of general education courses during his time at UC Davis.

Dump admits to being apathetic and never having had goals in life. He acknowledges that he’s never had much going on, and cites Dwight Eisenhower as an inspiration as he, too, never held political office before assuming the presidency.

“I don’t really feel much about anything, ya know? I rolled out of bed the other day and decided that I wanted to make a difference,” Dump said. “I want to be President of the United States. I have no experience, but who cares? This decision is big. Really big. It’s going to be huge. The future is bright.”

Instead of taking the conventional route that many students interested in politics have and majoring in political science or economics, Dump’s lack of political knowledge has actually sparked his interest. One random person tells him something, and he goes with that. Dump thinks that being impressionable and unpredictable will help him move forward.

“Too often, we have students that get so engaged in their lives at such a young age that they burn themselves out,” Dump said. “This is different. I have no experience, and I think that I’m going to be very fit when the time comes. Presidents have gone to Ivy League schools. I didn’t. I’m an outsider, and I like that. I’ll just learn on the job.”

Dump’s sole political experience was in third grade, when he ran for class president. Dump’s platform then was based on giving his classmates a vending machine on the second floor of the building. The third, fourth and fifth-graders all shared the second floor, while the first and second-graders were left on the first floor. Only the third-graders would get to buy food. Dump lost the election.

Dump admits to lacking experience, but he touts his well-roundedness. Due to the amount of general education courses he’s taken, Dump’s knowledge of seemingly everything plays toward a bright future.

“I believe that given Ronald’s introductory-level knowledge of chemistry, economics and the English language, he will thrive when he becomes old enough to be president,” said Lauren Michelle, who works at Counselors for the Future. “He can help design weapons, figure out the debt situation and negotiate deals given the knowledge he will have accrued once his time as an unfocused Aggie is up.”

Dump’s plan for the future remains unclear. He does not entirely know what he wants to major in, but that isn’t stopping him. Once he finds his passion, he plans to pursue marketing until he turns 35. Then, he’s determined to begin his presidential campaign.

But even Dump’s close friends, aware of his lack of his experience, are questioning his decision. They acknowledge that he wants to make a difference, but they feel this might not be the best route to take.

“This is ludicrous. I’ve known the kid since we were nine, but change has to come at an earlier time than this,” said Ike Dense, Dump’s best friend. “He has no experience. I don’t want someone with no experience in the Oval Office.”

“I support him, but he can make a difference and support his cause elsewhere,” said another friend, Judy Tiuooliani. “He wants to go into marketing — let him do that and share his beliefs, but he shouldn’t try and change the country by becoming president. We appreciate the effort that he’s making, but no real vision or experience beyond an elementary school vending machine is inadequate.”

While this may seem alarming to some, Dump’s determination sets him apart. In the land of opportunity, Dump can do what he wants and pursue his dreams of becoming the leader of the free world. Until then, Dump is going to have to find a major that will help him get his degree.

The future, however, might be bright for the fourth-year. Nobody expects him to win. He has a dream, no experience and, up to this point, no goals. But only the future will tell; nobody has ever assumed so much responsibility with so little experience. The people will decide whether we go down that rabbit hole.

Written by: Ethan Victor — opinion@theaggie.org