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Thursday, September 23, 2021

Humor: New professor actually just two kids in a trenchcoat

CIERA PASTUREL / AGGIE

Children stacked on top of each other attempt to teach a class in order to fund Lego hobbies

Even this late in the quarter, professors still manage to surprise us every now and then. This is especially true of mathematics professor Dr. Martin Jüsboks. After several long weeks of speculation, it was finally confirmed that Jüsboks was actually just two eight-year-old kids in a trenchcoat attempting to pass as an adult.

“We really should have caught this earlier,” said Nicole Monahan, a second-year physics major. “He kept on trying to have us ‘color’ for homework, which is odd because this is Math 17B.”

Classmates of Monahan also expressed suspicion when they noted that Jüsboks only brought a Cars lunchbox and Nintendo DS to class. But they figured he was just a quirky dude.

“I mean, his shoes were also dangerously small and lit up,” said Alex Polmer, a first-year neurobiology, physiology and behavior major. “But that seemed rude to question in case he just happened to have tiny feet. My suspicions grew after he spelled ‘calculus’ as ‘Kal Q Less’ on the board. But then, like, every math teacher prefaces their class with the fact that they’re a crap speller. I just kind of assumed that stereotype was true with Jüsboks.”

The gig was up when a sneeze erupted from what would have been Jüsboks’ groin, but was discovered to be a kid named Ryan. A little face peered nervously out from between two buttons, and the upper half of this professor tried to blame the noise on the taco salad he had for lunch.

The upper half of this equation was a little boy named Peter, clearly the mastermind of this adventure.

“I needed to get the new Legos because the Lego Batman movie is coming out and I wanted to make those and I needed to make money because my mom said it was too much and I had enough Legos,” Peter said. “I know my dad gets money from his job so I thought I could get one too. Ryan wanted Legos too, so we took someone’s jacket and I found my mustache from my Mario costume from Halloween. I looked so big!”

This sheer genius tricked students for nearly an entire quarter. For this alone, UC Davis has decided to allow Jüsboks to finish out the quarter just to see where he goes with it.

“I’ve made almost enough to buy two Lego sets!” Peter exclaimed.

Ryan was less than happy with this result.

“Peter can’t even do multiplication tables,” Ryan said. “I should have been the head and everyone knows it.”
Written by: Olivia Luchini ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

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