Humor: Shields Library doors not automatic, just repulsed by students

ALEXA FONTANILLA / AGGIE

Reveal of classified information sends shockwaves through UC Davis

In a shocking breach of classified information, Wikileaks announced Wednesday that it obtained damaging information about Shields Library at UC Davis.

The documents obtained revealed that although the doors at the library appear to be automatic, they actually open because of how repulsed they are by the students that walk through them. The California Aggie reached out to the doors for comment and, as you would expect, got one.

“We are extremely disappointed by this leak,” said the doors, who enjoy deep sea diving in their spare time. “We didn’t want all the students to know how gross we think they are. And let me tell you, they are gross. Some of them only shower three to four times a day, so they are really stinky. And honestly, we’re not judgemental, but these students are truly the worst people alive.”

The news sent shockwaves through the student body, who previously had no idea that the library doors were capable of making such harsh judgments.

“I had heard rumors about the library doors, but I never expected them to actually be true,” said Karina Tack, a second-year biochemistry and molecular biology major and background actor in season three, episode six of NBC’s The West Wing, the greatest television show of all time. “If the doors are alive, then what’s next? Are people going to start telling me that plants are alive?”

Some students actually found some relief in the news.

“I’m kind of glad to find out that the doors are judging me, because I’ve been judging them a lot lately too,” said Gabe Gape, a first-year mechanical engineering major and semi-professional dabber. “The other day the doors got so fed up with students that they just stopped opening completely in an effort to keep us out of the library. I had to physically push the doors open. I can never forgive them for the pain they put me through that day. It’s even worse than the pain I went through when I lost track of my son.”

The library doors are expected to continue at UC Davis despite the student body’s awareness of their true feelings. But this revelation has people talking about the true thoughts of the other automatic doors in Davis, and it’s unclear if the student body-door relationship will ever be as strong as it once was.
Written by: Brian Landry — bjlandry@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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