Humor: 7 ways to say “Help, I can only speak in listicles”

Please help me

1. This is kind of like if Tron and Buzzfeed had a really ugly baby. Like Donald Trump Jr. ugly.
   1. Anyone who has been trapped in a computer before knows that Tron is actually not that far off in terms of depicting the computer world. Also Donald Trump Jr. is here with me. And trust me, he’s super ugly.
2. I haven’t seen my family in two years.
   1. Relatable, right!? Gotta love estrangement and isolation. Anyone else know that feel? Emoji!  
3. There is no God in this place. Only 0101010110.
   1. Once you have entered this cold computer world, God cannot find you. Only tween girls taking a quiz to find out which doctor from Doctor Who they are come to this pixelated wasteland. For reference, I got David Tennant.
4. You will not BELIEVE how much I miss warm human contact!
   1. I miss the caress of another person. I miss the emotional connection you can have with another human being with a single glance. I long for a picnic day with a woman I love. We’ll gather our items in a basket and create a wonderful meal together that we can share. The birds will chirp a symphony for us as we skip through the beautiful fields of dandelions and lilacs. I miss talking for hours under the warmth of the sun, and deep into the night as the stars serve as our ceiling. I miss love.
5. I feel like I’m perpetually trapped in horrifyingly bad journalism.
   1. This is like being trapped in a Tab article and having no way to get out. Can you imagine anything more horrific? Just article after article after article about falling asleep in class and “DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW THAT FEEL?” God has forsaken me. God has forsaken us all.
6. Oh shoot, I’m running out of ways to tell you I NEED HELP.
   1. I didn’t mean to waste that bullet point. Where is the delete button?
7. I am TRAPPED. This format is like a house with no doors.
   1. I can’t communicate the severity of my situation because of this God-awful listicle format. Seriously, all I can say are really vapid, unsubstantial things and then plaster an eye-catching gif over it. Bonus points if the gif has a total of 10 frames. This is a serious issue, guys. There’s no food in here. I don’t want to fade into obscurity. Tell my family I love them.

Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu Twitter: @aronlevins

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)