Humor: If my Week 1 self met my Week 10 self, she wouldn’t befriend her

JORDAN KNOWLES / AGGIE

My past and current selves are like heaven and hell — one wants to set herself on fire

We’ve reached that beautiful time of the year in which everything is on fire and there are events on Facebook inviting fellow students to scream in unison to release the kraken within that we refer to as “stress.” Yes, of course we could dwell on the fact that most of us want to die or at least commit some small crime in order to feel alive again, but I prefer to look back to the past for relief: Week 1.

Do you remember your Week 1 self? She was so fresh, so clean. Her backpack was perfectly organized, with no granola bar wrappers scattered inside, no collection of crumbs in a corner. She had done all of her readings for Thursday’s class because the professor had yet to show their true, evil colors. Her social life was balanced. “Dinner after class?” “Of course,” she says, “I’ll be sure to put that into my planner that I’m definitely going to use until the end of the quarter.” Ah yes, your Week 1 self could do it all! And she did it in style. Her hair was brushed, she had a fresh face of makeup applied on a meticulously washed face, and her outfit was not just a trash bag with holes for arms and legs. What a champ she was, and she knew it. She was picky about her plans, her food and her time.

Then there’s this Week 10 scumbag.

Her backpack is a plastic bag that she stole from Rite-Aid, and her face is covered in a layer of dust that has accumulated from sitting in the library for hours on end. She eats whatever vermin walk in front of her, behaving like a small lizard or perhaps a raccoon. She can no longer communicate through words or even texts and simply hisses in the presence of both people and sunlight. Her only writing utensil is a packet of McDonald’s ketchup.

My Week 1 self would never talk to this trash monster. She’d scoff and journal about it during her free hour at Mishka’s. The duality of man is most evident in the fact that I can go from a fresh young woman into one of those creatures from the bottom of the ocean that scientists haven’t even discovered yet. Dazzling.

Happy end of the quarter, Aggies. Let’s hope for a quick recovery so that we can bounce back to the goddesses we start each quarter as.

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)