It’s not easy getting by in college, and no one knows this more than third-year psychology major Nicole Darn. After being academically ineligible for a whopping five quarters, skipping 47 classes in one quarter and using her loan money on a sick new iPhone instead of textbooks, Darn knows struggle more than anyone else. Thankfully, she has decided to start an advice blog on how to push through.
“Man, when they tell you that they’re ‘kicking you out of school,’ you just gotta hit ‘em with that dab and say that you’ll see ‘em next quarter,” Darn said. “It’s all about being strong and persevering, but not through the academic stuff, just through them telling you that you aren’t a nerd or whatever.”
Darn has already published a few articles. Her content includes advice on how to decide if you should skip class or if you should definitely skip class when your favorite website is having a huge sale, how to copy and paste an entire essay and just ‘hope for the best’ and how to survive on a diet of solely Hot Cheetos and Gatorade.
“Gatorade has electro-lights, which must make you glow or something, and those are pretty good for you,” Darn said. “I also want to write an article about how to steal your roommate’s food and just cry when they ask about it.“
Feedback for Darn’s blog has been stellar. Some are calling it “the greatest work of comedy ever created,” and Kevin Hart has already shown interest in doing a comedy tour with Darn as his opener.
“Comedy? Oh, that’s like what Family Guy is, right?” Darn said. “That’s cool, but I was trying to be more like Oprah. Like, my advice is real serious.”
Darn will be promoting her blog on a tour around all the dumpsters in town, where she’ll show you, live, how to look for scantrons in the trash and just erase any writing off of them so you can use them for your next final. Darn will begin every presentation by chugging whatever alcohol is presented to her by the crowd, even if it’s rubbing alcohol.
“Haters are my motivators, girl!” Darn said. “I can’t wait till I get all that cash from my amazing writing. It’s gonna be lit!”
After we informed Darn that you don’t automatically make money from blogging, her attitude took a sudden change.
“Man, I don’t even like writing. Essays should be 140 characters, like Twitter, ‘cause that’s all you need,” she said. “I’ll just finish by saying that if they tell you that your IQ is lower than the average toddler, you gotta keep pushing because that baby in Family Guy is real smart and he’s a toddler, so they don’t know anything about intelligences. Hit your professors with that whip and demand that they round your D+ to an A.”
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
