Dave Bishka has had it up to here with parodies
Dave Bishka, subpar pastry shop owner, hates two things: children and parodied versions of songs from the ‘80s. Ever since Bishka moved in next to a house with a bunch of Greek letters on it, he has been consistently flabbergasted each time the last week of September rolls around and his house is bombarded by the not-so-sweet tunes of collegiate women singing.
“I am completely blindsided every year!” Bishka said. “They leave a note that says, ‘Sorry for the noise!’ but I’d thought they were just apologizing for their breathing… FINALLY.”
The members of Bishka’s neighboring sorority are just as confused as he is. They were holding an evening to promote their philanthropy — helping orphans get the Beanie Babies of their dreams — and their neighbor started cussing up a storm.
“Philanthropy? Not on my watch,” Bishka said.
Worse than Beanie Babies, of course, is singing. The girls began to sing (scream) their rendition of “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones. Bishka, through several sobs, rumbled about why this upset him.
“They,” he sobbed, “ruined,” he sobbed, “my favorite song with lyrics about friendship.” Bishka was inconsolable.
This year, Bishka revved up his battling heart and also revved up a chainsaw. He took to their shared fence, breaking the barrier between yards for the first time since Neighbor War I, in which two women lost their pins and one lost an eye.
“Heeeere’s Bishka!”
But here’s the twist: The women weren’t even in the backyard. It was a boombox, playing a recording of them singing. Little did Bishka know, they had planned to charge at his house with pitchforks and torches, but due to budget cuts were holding the flashlights on their phones and sporks. The declaration of Neighbor War III rang through the streets.
“This is ridiculous!” another neighbor hollered as the street began to go up in flames. “We should all be allowed to sing our favorite versions of Tom Jones’ hits. This is just like Footloose, but with less cinematic flair.”
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
