Humor: When you should plan to get sick during the quarter system

What to expect when you’re expecting

If you’re reading this, you’re probably planning on getting sick at some point in the quarter. You might not know it, but trust me, it’s coming. So I suggest you sit down, pop a vitamin C and whip out your schedule, because it’s meticulous planning time.

In the 10 weeks of the quarter system (including that cute little week 0 that nobody asked for) and maybe another week for finals (I’m not sure), there are endless possibilities for when you’re going to be taken down by a small cold that spirals out of control.

This might seem negative and obtuse. But in a system that requires you to stay three steps ahead while it constantly makes sure you’re five steps behind, planning when to get sick will at least relieve you of the stress and anxiety of not knowing.

Assuming it’s going to take about three weeks to fully recover (subtract time if you’re a responsible human being), I have broken up the quarter system into three parts — but please don’t let me stop you from mixing and matching.

1. Weeks “0” to 4: Underestimating how much work you have and misusing your time. The most probable reason you’re getting sick in these first few weeks is that your immune system is going into overdrive after having spent the last month of summer in isolation. If you’re looking for a recovery period that sets you behind at the beginning of the quarter, the combination of your high susceptibility to illness mixed with your welcome week fun is your ticket to sickness. Pro: no real assignments or tests to get behind on. Con: You’re going to fall behind without even knowing it.
2. Weeks 5 to 8: The perpetual cycle of midterms and contemplating whether to switch your major. If you want to get sick during this time of the quarter, my blessings. You’ll get major sympathy points but will also probably be socially quarantined by your friends, teachers and parents who all claim “I just can’t get sick right now.” The key to getting sick during this period of time requires almost no effort: just live your life the way you need to and do all the work you’re assigned and that should probably be enough to kick you into some type of common but serious sickness like mono or bronchitis. Pro: You’ll be prescribed whatever medicine your doctor thinks you should build up an immunity for. Cons: everything else.
3. Weeks 8 to 11: Sporadic bouts of stress followed by one long endurance week. This is everyone’s favorite time to get sick. The end of the quarter is kind of similar to what I’ve heard running is like: After a certain amount of time you can’t feel your legs anymore, or something like that. If you choose to get sick during this time, just know the end is near and that, while your ailments may interfere with your final grade, there’s no need to worry. Pro: You worked hard all quarter, and having a week of tests on everything you ever learned isn’t going to take away from your hard work. Con: Oh wait, never mind. Good luck.

Written by: Rosie Schwarz — rschwarz@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)