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Saturday, September 18, 2021

Humor: Trump’s plan to end homelessness and poverty: legalized cannibalism

JEREMY DANG / AGGIE

Trump issues 32nd executive order of the month

Donald Trump, POTUS, or, as he calls himself, “Poitus,” has issued a royal decree to end homelessness and hunger through legalized cannibalism — a dynamic and progressive approach that he believes will clean up the streets.

“I don’t see why these problems took so long to get handled,” Trump said during a dinner party last week. “Sometimes you have to stone two birds with one kill. Sometimes you have to be a martyr for the greater good.”

“Sometimes you are what you eat,” said Trump, after taking a bite of chicken.

911 dispatchers are now trying to determine which calls are actually emergencies and which calls are pranks, with calls such as, “Oh my god, he’s eating me out!” becoming very confusing and hard to assess.  

It’s illegal to be homeless in most of America, with many down-and-out people being arrested, resulting in jail time in which they’re provided food, shelter and job training with opportunities for employment after leaving, which is more than what most universities offer.

“You’ve got all of these people who are human,” said rights activist Richard Spencer. “They have skills, dreams and aspirations just like you and me. They need love and tenderness. Push one in front of a bus and they’ll be quite tender. You’ll love it.”

“Trump is delivering on everything he said he would and then some,” said Richard Hicks, a second-year history major sporting a homemade hat that read “Make America Ate Again.” “Trump is my spirit animal, the kind of guy who, if given the chance, would turn most animals into spirits. He’s a tiger: fierce, unforgiving and orange.”

Antifa has shown great resistance to this executive order, as many of their members have been eaten alive after being mistaken as homeless.

“Our motto used to be, ‘All for one, and one for all,’” said Antifa member Commu Nick. “It’s not supposed to be one Antifa member for all of their hunger needs.”

“It’s a shame that these Antifa members have been getting eaten alive,” Officer Dick Grimes said. “Arresting them has been a huge source of profit for us. Their actions, along with the actions of other supremacy and social justice groups, help perpetuate pointless race and ideology wars that keep the American people from seeing that the 1 percent is the real problem — 1 percent milk, that is.”

“It is easier to clean the streets than it is to clean up these people,” said Trump, monitoring the installation of golden showers in his presidential suite. “You know how much it costs to give them a shower, some clean clothes and help them get back on their feet? Almost nothing. But letting them eat each other? That actually costs nothing. The best way to clean these people up is to send bath salts to every homeless shelter in the U.S. They can clean themselves up Florida-style. It’s a faceoff.”

After hearing about this new plan, Hillary Clinton has announced her run for presidency in 2020 under the motto “Make America Stagnate Again.” We could not reach her for further questions since there’s no reception so deep in the Earth’s crust.

 

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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