Drunk texting is a thing of the past
We’ve all known the terror of drunk texting. Perhaps you texted your ex, your best friend or your dad. One UC Davis student, third-year Sylvia Ono, rejected this standard for embarrassment and instead drunkenly sent a carrier pigeon to her beloved.
Ono’s friend group went on a jaunt to the bars this last weekend, like the cool-cat college kids they are, but wound up walking back to their apartment. After prying the iPhone out of Ono’s hands, her friends thought they had saved her. This, of course, proved false when Ono grabbed a pigeon with the vigor of Donald Trump, or myself when given a box of McNuggets, and began her message.
“Honestly, we thought she killed the pigeon when she grabbed it,” said Patty Pollo, one of Ono’s friends. “Then she started writing on a used napkin with a tube of lipstick. It was kind of impressive but then deeply concerning all at once.”
The pigeon, who called himself Kanye Nest, was shook, to say the least. After years of being told that his dream of being a carrier pigeon was “foolish” and “dated,” it was finally his time to prove himself.
“Suck it, DAD!” Nest exclaimed. “Screw law school, screw med school and SCREW THE CHILI’S THAT FIRED ME LAST WEEK!”
Nest’s entire future was riding in the hands of this drunken woman, and tensions were high. With the intensity of Floyd Mayweather, Ono finished her big message.
“It was just two words,” said Beth Foreman, another friend of Ono’s. “She wrote, ‘You up?’ We hoped it was an attempt to be cool, but it took her like 45 minutes to write this.”
With the message in his grasp, Kanye Nest flew all the way to the home of Timmy Winks and tapped vigorously on his window. He needed only to tap once, though, as Winks had been awake since the beginning of midterm season and was brewing his 10th cup of coffee for the night.
“You up?!?” Winks shouted. “Of course I’m up! I haven’t seen a bed since the third grade. I haven’t closed my eyes since I was in the womb!”
Just when we thought the scene was ending, another pigeon, Jimmy Talon, came with a second message from Ono. This one read, “Heyyyy.”
“I wrote back the only message I could think of,” Winks said. “And that was ‘New pigeon, who dis?’”
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)