UC Davis sells student organs
A study has revealed that over 35,000 residents in the Davis area are afflicted by a strange mental illness in which they pay to work.
“We love this,” said a shady capitalist businessman in a top hat. “Slavery was a terrible idea. This is way better.”
“What the hell is the point of this homework?” asked guy-who-has-better-things-to-do Drew Hanson.
“It’s to improve your critical thinking skills,” replied professor-who-solely-reads-off-the-PowerPoint.
“I can think critically, which has brought me to the conclusion that my time is better spent doing something else,” replied Hanson, “such as writing satire that nobody reads, as far as I’m aware.”
“I love the university,” said automaton Mary Johnson. “I have a UC Davis hat, UC Davis sweater and even this tattoo that says, ‘UC Davis owns my soul.’”
“We own the souls of many students,” Chancellor Gary May said at a private tour of the student salvage factory in Lower Wellman. “Souls just don’t sell for as much as the actual physical form, though. Even when the physical vessel gets worn out and depreciates, we can always scrap the organs for their salvage value.”
May scooped the liver out of a partially-conscious animal science major and put it into a steel bucket, the wet plop of the liver masked by the student’s moans. The liver had done much overtime in its college years, yet had outlived the other organs. Ultimately, the student’s brain had undergone so much indoctrination and seemed to have put itself into a coma.
“All of the drugs we confiscate are generally used in place of general anaesthetics,” said UC police officer Dick Grimes, making strange wet noodle noises from behind the hospital curtains. “Although we generally do all the drugs we find. How the hell else could I numb the existential pain of being a campus police officer?”
“Do you know what happens to the rest of this student’s body?” asked May in a sardonic tone. I was given a complimentary meal to the dining commons.
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
