New Department of Motor Vehicles study leaves researchers flabbergasted
For the sixth year in a row, the Department of Motor Vehicles has failed to rank as highly as the Anaheim-based amusement park, Disneyland. A new study reveals a shocking 83 percent of people would rather go to Disneyland than visit their hometown’s DMV — or the slightly better DMV in the next town over.
A whopping 74 percent of people found that the DMV’s fluorescent lights, dingy cubicles and mysteriously sticky linoleum generally made them feel anxious, depressed and really edgy.
“Going to the DMV gives me heart palpitations and diarrhea,” said Ellen Funk, a student at UC Davis. “That never happens at Disneyland — even after I eat three giant turkey legs.”
What’s more perplexing, a mind-blowing 68 percent of people say that they would rather smell Disneyland’s vanilla-scented Mainstreet than the body odor of the guy standing in front of them at the DMV. Millions of people are dumbfounded.
“We really tried this year,” said Yvette Derp, a confused DMV employee. “We used to give customers the stink eye — a lot. It was kind of our thing. This year, we tried to increase customer satisfaction by switching to the blank stare, but people seem more infuriated than ever.”
Sadly, the study reports that most people were unsatisfied with their results of standing in line at the DMV. Ninety-seven percent of participants complained that the line did not conclude with a fifteen-minute thrill ride or a dole whip. The remaining three percent of the participants became trapped in a never-ending line and either gave up or set up camp to wait, building lean-to shelters constructed from the DMV’s plastic chairs and restroom toilet seat covers.
“I’ve been waiting for them to call number C42 for 36 hours,” said Phil Low, DMV customer, from the toilet-seat-cover porthole of his structure. “I could really use a churro right now.”
While it’s hard to say “what the hell is taking so long” at the DMV, this reporter did identify a group of DMV employees lounging in a partially hidden cubicle, toasting one another with soggy, microwave corn dogs. This reporter also can neither confirm nor deny that the employees stood smirking over trampled mouse ears.
Written by: Jess Driver — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)