Sponsored by “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse,” in theaters now
Around 3 a.m. this past Wednesday — or maybe it was Tuesday, I can’t remember now — I determined that Spider-Man is the most powerful thing anyone has ever dreamed up. I understand that this is likely a controversial opinion, and I’m sure many of you readers want to argue with me, maybe smash a glass over this, possibly flip a few tables in unbridled rage at how inconceivably stupid I am for saying this. Unfortunately for you, I have no reason, nor desire, nor real ability to respond directly to you, so just sit down and read my words knowing that I am right and there’s nothing you can do about it. Oh look, my ethos is already leaking all over the place. Get webbed, b—.
So, exhibit A: HE GOT BIT BY A FREAKING RADIOACTIVE SPIDER. I don’t understand how this doesn’t just disqualify everyone else from this useless competition in the first place. Having been bit by three spiders in my life, I can tell you first hand that spider bites hurt and itch a lot. Unbearable, writhing pain shoots up your body, numbing your flesh just enough to keep you from ending your time on this Earth. And Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive one. People literally destroy their bathrooms just to kill a common house spider, and this guy lets the spider bite him so hard it injects its slick, spidery powers into him. Badass. I’m pretty sure Spyro would die immediately if the same spider even brushed against his soft eggplant complexion. Thank u, next.
Exhibit two — and this is important, so listen closely: HE WEARS RED, WHITE AND BLUE. He’s a symbol of America, the strongest, most deadly nation in the history of the world. I know, you all will probably think “bUt wHaT aBoUt ThE aCtUaL hErO cApTaIn AmEr—” no, shut up. Captain America is nothing but an American Zero. For all intensive purposes, he’s just a placeholder when Spider-Man isn’t there. No, that spider bit Spider-Man, man, and that means he has the powers of the American taxpayer behind him. Do Rick and Morty have that? I didn’t think so. There isn’t any other argument.
But if there is any other argument, I point to exhibit 1A: he’s SO DAMN FAST. Superman, faster than a speeding bullet? Get webbed, b—. Spider-Man downs him before he even leaves the ground, easy. Oh no, Goku’s going Super Saiyan? Uhhh get webbed, b—. Spider-Man’s already web-slammed him into the ground before he dyes his hair. Oh boy, Sonic has all the chaos emeralds? Shlip shlap. Whebbed b—. Spider-Man webs the rings out of him and then takes them for himself.
There you go. Proof that your imbecilic minds can’t even realize how dumb you are to think Spider-Man isn’t the strongest guy ever. Just go watch “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” to see why they paid me to say all this and you’ll understand.
Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
