The West Wing goes to West Village
This past weekend, President Donald Trump was told by his horoscope that he needed to make some changes, so he decided that Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson was Ben CarsDONE. After kicking the House man out of the White House, Trump needed a new Secretary of HUD.
“I thought very long and very hard about this,” Trump said. “I did online research for two days to find the next Secretary of Housing and Urban Devilmen. I started at 11:55 p.m. on Monday night and finished at 12:05 a.m. on Tuesday. I finally found the right guy for the job.”
Trump continued:
“I went to this dinky town that smelled like cow turds outside of Sacramento. I had the heebie-jeebies the whole time because that’s pretty close to Nancy Pelosi-ville. But I heard about this apartment complex called ‘West Village’ that sounded right up my alley.
I went there, and when I saw college kids stepping off the buses in Gucci sweatshirts, I knew I had come to the right place. I felt right at home ‘cause there were a lot of young men who reminded me of myself: blond, very handsome and living off of their daddies’ money.
Anyway, I was interested in this place because it’s basically the Mar-a-Lago of apartment complexes. And just like me, this apartment complex has a lot of money but doesn’t know how to use it. I talked to a young woman who lives there, and she told me that they’re giving away a year’s tuition at basketball games. Why make people’s rent cheaper when you can raise it and give that money away to someone else? It’s a very stable, genius plan.
Another resident told me they changed the outdoor furniture from green to orange, my favorite color. If you got the money, why not make changes nobody asked for? Definitely something I would do. They also make their people pay $90 a month for parking but won’t let them buy campus parking passes. What a foolproof way to make money! Restaurants that are only open three hours a day and not on the weekends? Incredible. Won’t fix residents’ microwaves that have been broken for a year? Tremendous. This place has their priorities straighter than my d- [Editor’s note: the rest of this sentence was redacted for your safety.]
And then I met the guy in charge of the whole thing. He was really, really terrific. His name’s Wesley Villiger. He gave me a smile with eyes that screamed ‘end my suffering,’ which seems to be a common theme around here. He smiled more bigly when I told him I was thinking of making him my secretary, so he’s all aboard the Trump train. He also gave me what the kids call a ‘swag bag.’ I’m a yuuuuuge fan of West Village.”
Written by: Madeline Kumagai — mskumagai@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
