Build the wall! Virtually!
With the recent government shutdown still on everyone’s minds and Donald Trump recently declaring a national emergency over border security, Congress is under substantial pressure to make a move that appeases all sides. Fortunately, this week, they did just that.
On Monday, Congress approved a single budgetary clause which they believe will solve the border crisis: the “Border Wall Tycoon” clause. This iteration of the United States budget will not only cost Americans less but will also grant Trump the ability to build the wall — or frankly, any wall — he’s always wanted.
The “Border Wall Tycoon” clause ignores previous cost estimates and instead proposes a stipend of $120,000 to an indie game company, entitled Toddler Trump Games. In return, this company will design and release a wall-building simulation game similar to the popular “Tycoon” series of video games. Features will include choosing between different wall materials, such as bricks or steel slats, and deciding whether to use American wall craftsmen, under-the-table illegal immigrant workers or a bonus option, Russian slave laborers sent by Putin himself.
With Border Wall Tycoon, Trump will have full control over the wall-building process like he’s always wanted, allowing him to ignore environmental regulations and force virtual Mexico to pay for it. The simulation will also work in real time, meaning Trump can return to check his computer every day to see how much progress is being made without the stress of actually being present.
“This clause is a shoutout to all the wall-lovers,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We’ve heard your unnecessarily loud cries about border security, and this Congress is confident that this measure will make everyone happy.”
And based on voting so far, she’s right. Only one Congressman voted “No” on this otherwise unanimously supported version of the budget: House Minority Leader and Certified Douchebag™ Kevin McCarthy.
“Yes, I voted ‘No,’” McCarthy said. “So what? I can do whatever I want. You think I give a shit about Americans? Get the f*ck out of my face before I strangle you to death, you little nerd.”
The budget will move to the Senate on Wednesday, where it is expected to pass almost unanimously, disregarding Lindsay “Flipflop” Graham’s likely “No” vote due to his natural tendency to say one thing and do another. Many senators are reportedly discussing an addition to the clause — a line stating that if “Trump is a good boy and his wall looks pretty enough,” they’ll “strongly consider” building a real wall along the Southern Border “at already-planned locations.”
Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
