Taking pseudo-science fiction to the extreme through the art of cinema
Dear prospective producers and generous investors,
My name is Milton I. Scaps, Jr. Journalist. Thinker. Christian. Conservative. Artist. Intellectual. Man. Almost three years ago, I was fired from my dream job at Breitbart News for making a social media post that was not racist in a subtle-enough way. Oh, wait a second — yeah, sorry it was homophobic. Not homophobic in a subtle-enough way. This forced me to reevaluate my life, take stock of my many skills (all of which are criminally underappreciated by all of my former co-workers, especially the women) and go in a new direction.
This required a great deal of soul searching, but I eventually found my way after looking for guidance from two of my biggest role models at Breitbart. Because of my former colleague James Delingpole, I’ve become passionate about exposing the “global warming” hoax. For years, James has been one of the most prominent voices fighting against the hysteria of the pro-“climate change” alarmismists by carefully cherry-picking data, paraphrasing “scientific” research and providing a unique contrarian take on facts in order to produce insightful articles like “Science Says: Evil Coral Reefs Acidify Oceans” and “Six Reasons You Should Ignore the UN’s Species Extinction Report.” Secondly, knowing that Steve Bannon was never able to make it big in Hollywood always made me want to try my hand at making movies.
So, with James’ skeptical, truth-seeking spirit and Steve’s ambition and creativity, I sat in my local Starbucks and worked on my screenplay for months and months (that is, the months when they didn’t have their treasonous anti-Christmas cups). I’m proud to announce that I’ve just recently finished the script, and in all humbleness, I must say, it is a masterpiece. I’m still deciding on a title, but I’m confident that I’ve done a masterful job of fully utilizing the disaster movie genre to portray the worst-case scenario combining all of the so-called threats of “climate change” and “environmental degradation.”
The movie will include all the craziest wacko predictions from the politically compromised scientists, things that no reasonable person could even imagine, much less have the nightmare of actually experiencing. Ice will actually melt, and rising sea levels will forever alter life in our coastal cities. Changes in precipitation patterns will cause massive floods and extended droughts and intense heat waves. The oceans will acidify and warm, which will kill corals, disrupt aquatic food chains and cause supercharged hurricanes. Perhaps one of these massive hurricanes will leave an entire American city or region without electricity and sufficient supplies for survival for over a year. The warmer climate will cause insect outbreaks and help spread fungi, killing trees and allowing for rapid spread of disease. The food and water supply will be reduced. The movie could feature a coffee shortage! Economic output will take a major hit. The air and water will become toxic. And I think it would be so dramatically effective and satisfying if the film’s protagonist is trying to convince everyone that climate change and pollution are real problems, but they won’t do anything about it. And what if — whoa — I just — holy shit, that’s a great idea — can you imagine a scene in which the protagonist’s town is burning down due to a massive wildfire and they are forced to escape by car in a race for their life through a hellish nightmare of fire and smoke? That would be totally insane! I’m sure viewers will have never seen anything like that before.
The genius of this movie is that it will be able to appeal to people across the political spectrum. The people on the left will eat it up like it’s actually activist propaganda, as if the things in the movie are actually possible! Some of them might even think it’s a documentary! Ha! Meanwhile, the real Americans who aren’t gullible and foolish will love the movie because they’ll be in on the joke that it’s actually just satire! Real Americans know that you don’t have to understand science to be able to listen to your gut and know when the “scientists” are trying to fool you!
Written by: Benjamin Porter — bbporter@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
