Photo Credits: CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE
Star Wars vs. Star Trek — who would win?
What started as an innocent conversation between UC Davis’ current Chancellor Gary May and pepper spray perpetrator Linda Katehi quickly devolved into a shouting match. Expletives filled the air as Davis’ golden boy and the she-Lucifer of Cowtown argued outside of Mrak Hall this past Monday. Onlookers couldn’t help but rubberneck at the scene. The cause of this dispute? According to our sources, Katehi stated that “Star Wars is better than Star Trek” to May, who is the biggest Trekkie this side of the Mississippi.
Sources say that May replied, “Those are fighting words, Linda,” before engaging in a heated argument over which fandom was better. After volleying insults for the better part of an hour, the two agreed to settle this debate in the Social Sciences and Humanities building on campus, aka the “Death Star.”
At approximately 11 p.m. that same night, Gary May sauntered around the bottom level of the Death Star, sporting his yellow Star Trek uniform. He gripped a phaser in his right hand, ready for battle. Hearing labored breathing, he turned to see Darth Vader step out of the shadows. Vader took off the helmet, revealing Katehi in the suit.
“I see we’re both wearing our costumes,” May shouted.
“Oh, this?” Katehi replied, looking down at her Vader vestment. “I wear this suit under my clothes to keep me alive. This is no costume. And,” she said, pointing to the sky, “That’s no moon.”
Gary May, falling for the oldest trick in the book, looked where Katehi was pointing. Darth Katehi unsheathed her lightsaber, the blade of light glowing a Unitrans red. As she lunged towards May, the Trekkie trained his phaser, set to “stun,” on Katehi.
“You snake!” May yelled. “I would expect nothing less from a Jar-Jar Binks lover.”
“At least I’m not a nerd who speaks Klingon!” Katehi fired back.
May snorted loudly. “YOU TAKE THAT BACK.” He fired his phaser at Katehi’s heart, stunning her in the process. As Katehi lay dazed on the concrete floor of the Death Star, May strode up to her body. He leaned in close, whispering:
Written by: Madeline Kumagai — email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)